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Page 27 text:
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ORIGINAL SENIORS Back Row, L. to R.: M. Bentley, D. Laxton, J. Br 'ant. Fourth Row: 1. Steams, N. Edwards, R. West. Illini Row: T. Weeks, M. Brainard, j. Donaldson. Second Row: 1. McDonald, D. Chapman. Front Row: V. O'Connor. DECISIVE DATA OUTSTANDING COULDN'T DO NAME FAVORITE SAYING CHARACTERISTIC WITHOUT SHOULD BE Patricia Bastable Oh, Golly! Pleasing smile Horses A national show woman Marilyn Bentley Who me? Figure Weekends at Cover girl for Ballyhoo Rochester Marilyn Brainard Gee whiz! Complexion Her dog Dr. Nichols' assistant Judith Bryant Thought l'd flip! Disposition Rhythm Professional Dancer Marilyn Byme Funnier than a bugger! Stylish Hair History A movie screen siren Pearl Chapman What's it to you? Laugh Friday niyrt show Miss Homemaker of America Richard Chapman Say boys, listen to Manners His car Heard from more often this one. Donald Delaney Hi, what's new?! Quietness Red-headed women President of General Motors Bnice Dixon Now, listen Talking with his His abundant A business manager for a hands supply of pendls Centipede Shoe store jo Donaldson Oh, my word! Sophistication Mail On time for classes Doris Droppa Uh-Huh! Giggle A typewriter Married Betty Eastman Oh, Heavens! Quietness Smiling In love Nora Edwards The audacity! Athletic ability Baton Paddled Georgiana Glynn Holy Cow! Walk Connecticut Dancer Eileen Heffeman Well, maybe ..... Intelligence Books Less bashful Onarles Kehoe l don't agree with you. Height Humor Lawyer David Laxtaon Here it comes! Speed on basketball Hunting Game Warden court joseph McDonald So . . . What!!? Sharp clothes Scientific Einstein's grandson explanations Betty Miles See? Smile School Owner of grocery store chain Barbara Nec Oh, You're kidding! Boston accent Sea Food Superintendent of Deaconess Nurses Vernon O'Conner Oops!! Witty remarks Sherwood lnn Shrunk Murray Oot Hi Gang!!! Physique Wise Cracks Tamed Ann Petersen lf it doesn't rain. Hair Laughing Comedienne Stephen Potucek Yes, Miss Hicks Clothes Talking Male Lbdel Shirley Prior Well, wh at d'ya know? jewelry Chattering Locked up Rose Rich Oh . . . . Pain! Happiness Food Sweetheart of Sigma Chi Lawrence Ryder Cow . . . a . . . bonga! Curls jokes On the stage Marlene Smart Really? Eyes Elbridge A good wife Judith Stearns My Goodness! Cuteness Homework Gym teacher Carol Tallcot l can't do it. Blonde Hair Giggles Breck shampoo model Dawn Thompson Gee, you kids . . . Eyes Milk History of Music Teacher at Julliard Alben Waibel Thank-you Shyness Hans 31 Peter Around more Thomas Weeks Gollies!! Wha-a-a? Bnnsh cut Boots Speedboat Racer joanne Weller Gees! Voice Bangs Secretary Ronald West ls that so! jabbering Girls A pro-basketball star 23
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Page 26 text:
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PQ owfrc Y Ah yes, here it is at last, wonderful 1964! A mere six mqnrhs of this gay, new year have seen such happenings as children's ridrts, the extinction of squirrels, the first trip to the sun, and now this new high in the field of entertainment . . . Little Screen! Folks are gathered here at Rockefeller Center today to witness the world premier of Little Screen motion pictures. The celebrities are so numerous here tonight that Patricia Bastable, T. Veedom's outstanding mistress of ceremonies was refused entrance. Miss Bastable emcees that great television show, Break the Back. On the show contestants are forced, at the point of a ray gun, to ride the wild Borneo Stallions that Miss Bastable rides. llt is guaranteed by the Hoof and Mouth Associa- tron.l Over there, we see Alben Waibel, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, who organized the United States of Europe. Another glance about and I see Dave Laxton, head of a recent trapping expedition to North Venus, after fur-bearing Vomp birds. Talk about celebrities! Here comes Eileen Heffernan, the first woman President. Miss Heffernan recently won the hearts of taxpayers, when she eliminated the cabinet and did all of her own work, thus reducing our national debt from infinity to finity. Talking with Miss Heffernan is judy Stearns. Miss Stearns wishes to extend citizenship to jupiter, where she recently stopped a plague epidemic single-handed. Steve Potucek, who has amassed a fortune in the chlorophyll industry, is trying to make time with the comely female Robots, along with several other celebrities. Obviously the only man making any progress is Don Delaney, who recently introduced stock-car racing on the Moon. Don's only problem is to find a crater large enough for the track. Carol Tallcot and Doris Droppa, the well-known leaders of reform move- ments, are also apparently interested in Little Screen. Through their periodical entitled, The Moondog Gazette, the fearless girls are agitating for the right of the Robot to vote. The com- motion in the theater today is simply too utterly, says Joanne Weller, successor to Louella Parsons. Never to be daunted, Miss Weller is still waiting for T.V. to blow over, thus saving Holly- wood from vicious competition. There also seems to be a great number of athletes here today. Marlene Smart set a precedent by running to Mars in four light years. After indicating that Sir Isaac Newton miscalculated his laws of gravity, she just whizzed away. Meanwhile, Vern 0'Connor introduced a new form of ath- letic competition. It is based on the theory that boxing and wrestling are too evasive and is recommended for prisons to re- place less sporting types of capital punishment, such as the gallows. Vern has suggested that the two lifers take turns exchanging blows with each other with sledges until one gets a cerebral hemorrhage. While Vern is arguing with the Humane Society, a former classmate is barn-storming the solar system as a one-man basketball team. The lad is Ron West. Only yesterday he appeared in Miles' bam with his great act. Miss Betty Miles has introduced new scientific fanning methods. Her latest agrarian achievement is the milking of cows by hand rather than those old machines. Ilow ridiculous! She'lI never succeed! Ah!! I believe 1 see Murray Oot over there. He is the only man qualified to teach a subject like Intermediate Algebra without a college education. He is now the subiect of a Congressional debate. President Heffernan has defended his position. In the summer Mr. Oot is a regular fix-it man, driving nails and so forth. Conversing with Murray is Dick Chapman, the Rembrandt of Modern Cartooning. Unlike the Disneys and Capps, Mr. Chapman possesses the uncanny ability to take hum-drum, unromantic, and pitifully homely themes, such as an electric outlet or an acid bottle, and transform them into a riotous cartoon. Another contro- versial figure in the crowd awaiting the start of today's Little Screen drama entitled, Doll House of Paraffin, is Pearl Chap- man. With a wealth of beauty developments to her credit, Miss Chapman is now plugging Mohican-type female brush cuts. There is the leading atomic physicist of the Universe-joseph Mc- Donald! With his own ' MACLATRON , joe has split the electron, thus opening a new realm of atomic power. joe's only comment on his world-rocking discovery was, So what? Marilyn Bentley, who plans to drive Delaney's stocks on the moon, is trying to get a rise out of the eligible McDonald now by holding his head in the carbon monoxide exhaust fumes of her auto. Ilenney set a new track record with her stock 53 caddy at Hialeah recently, when she killed fourteen horses running the daily double. Patting Marilyn on the back with a bundle of her unsold newspapers is Marilyn Byrne. Her paper, the Citizen- Educator , is faithfully plugging an increase in teacher's salaries. just like she used to say in the old days, she now exclaims to the stock-car girl, They've got to go up! 'I'hey've got to go up!!! Larry Ryder, foremost authority on taxation and national economy, is also here. Say, Larry, how about the cost of living in the future? Well, since President Heffernan re- duced our debt to finity, our average income should remain at one-quarter of a million. Such commodities as neckties and socks should be available for only S300. Thanks, Mr. Ryder. My, but this inflation is terrific! Here comes Bruce Dixon, the National Convention's nomination for president. Mr. Dixon, we know your Space-0-Crat Party has taken an ardent stand against the secession in Southeastem Jupiter, and that you don't believe Robots should vote, but what have you to say about this in- flation? Man, you've never had it so good! Thank you, Mr. Dixon. I see Betty Eastman squinting to see the screen. As most of you know, Betty has discovered a new element for use in Chemistry labs. This element, says Miss Eastman, is so active that it can only be stored in aquariums with catfish in them. It is the only element that can bend glass and put away equipment. She calls it Skanium. Nora Edwards, Betty's old friend from Skaneateles, is conversing with her. Nora has dedicated her life to science and, at present, she is experiment- ing to find an alloy of steel strong enough to make a sturdy needle. Nora's needle, when perfected, will be used to vaccinate the highly controversial Robots against that dreaded disease so prevalent among them-Big Pox. llere comes the lady we've waited for all night-the inventor of Little Screen movies-Ann Petersen. Wc'll just have to talk to her, for these celebrities are here to witness her brainchild. Miss Petersen, why did you develop this adorable Little Screen? Well, sir, I was terribly frightened by the giant, Panoramic Screen, in my teens and I resolved to save the coming generation from the shock of seeing those human monsters of Big Screen. Thanks, Miss Petersen. Goodness me. 'I'here's a lad coming down the aisle selling binoculars. What's your name, sir? I'm Tom Weeks. QThis guy is a crackpot-he's got to golj Tell me, Mr. Weeks, don't you think you're defeating Miss Petersen's purpose? Well, sir, I don't think the giant panorama fans should be punished-you know, the near-sighted people. We owe them something and these binoculars should do it. I'm a crackpot and l've got to go now! It takes all kinds, I guess. With Mr. Weeks' binoculars, I see jo Donaldson in the distance. Miss Donaldson has embarked upon a literary career and promises to take her place among Lowell, Dickinson, and Whittier. Her latest achievement in the field of poetry is very, very free verse. It has no rhythm, no rhyme, no sentence struc- ture, and little thought. It displays true genius and has a tangy appeal for the intellectual class, since it allows them to attach as complicated an interpretation upon it as they wish. Because of its appeal to Robots, it is on the best cellar list. Further speculation in and about the theater this aftemoon has unearthed Rose Rich. We literally unearthed Rose from the sand of a potted palm, where she had taken refuge from a celebrity-crazed crowd. Rose is the inventor of those frantic Robots, which threaten to take over our nation by stomr. Leading the blood-thirsty auto- graph hounds after Rose is Dawn Thompson. Acting on a bit of a whimsical whim, Miss Dawn Thompson recently established a clinic for cheerleaders who wish to lose their appendix. All prospective patients must be in their own uniform says Dawn lest they develop psycomyelitus. Wait! A hush has fallen over the theater, the lights are dim- ming, but the overrone is pitiful. Oh, they-'re still tuning their instruments! The dim lights were evidently due to an air-raid drill or atomic power failure. Perhaps now we can point out some more famous persona es. I see Charles Kehoe down in the orchestra pit, gleefullzy snapping violin strings. Although his famous volumes sell, every nation in the world has deported him. llis latest feature, Life Can Be Pitiful, outlines ten easy ways to make your playfellows hate you. We have here this afternoon, writers, athletes, and various other noted career men and women. One of the most significant threesomes straining their eyes to find the screen includes Marilyn Ilrainard, Judy Bryant, and Barbara Nee. With pity in their hearts for the border- line high school grads, these three comely lasses established a unique college. All applicants for admission must lie struggling to obtain their high school diploma. Students all over the nation, who can't hope for acceptance from those run 'o the mill colleges that require good marks, are laying aside their text books to cinch their acceptance at SulrNormal Polytech, the new college. That brilliant atomic chemist and ex-assistant of Joe Nlcllonald, Shirley Prior, has iust built a bomb which uses a hydrogen bomb to ignite it. Shirley's hobby is test-riding '54 'll.G.'s. At inter- mission, friends, we have been led to believe that Miss .Georgie Glynn, dancer extraordinaire, will do a number reminiscent of a small town in Connecticut. It's one of those boy--meers- girl, girl-leaves-boy, girl-finds-boy-on-neighbor's-spaceship-type dances--an original composition. The lights are fading, thc curtain is opening, and as our well- known audience assumes an uncomfortable edge-of-the-sent position and begins iockeying for a brief glimpse of our screen, we leave. The interview was sponsored by HOTRO, makers of quality Robots for seven years.
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