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Page 105 text:
THE ORIOLE Alton Duncan — What is more to be desired in an accident than presence of mind? Carl Bunts — I don’t know, what ? Alton — Absence of body. Prof. Brugh (to tardy stu- dent) — Why are you late? Livingston Sheppard — Well, a sign down here — - Prof. — Well, what has the sign got to do with it? Livingston — The sign said, “School zone; slow down.” If wishes were horses, beg- gars might ride. WANTED A smile — James Miles. To be popular — “Maggie” and “Jiggs.” To be swell — Otis Spraker. To make “Goo goo” eyes — Conway Smith. Less love and more common sense — Marion Thomas. More time to primp — Naomi Cannaday. Another laugh — Daisy Lou Matheney. A memory — Isabel Miller. A few more girls — Livingston Sheppard. Something to do — Alton Dun- can. More worlds to conquer — Howard Gilmer. Less sentiment — Margaret Brewer. To be athletic — Anna Smith. More golden reports — t h e Senior Class. For rent — an alarm clock by an old lady with Swiss move- ments. Wanted by Frank Jackson — - A pair of breeches for bow legs. ’Tis love that makes the arm go around. LOST— (1) Somewhere be- tween the post office and the school house a Waterman foun- tain pen coming home from lunch. (2) A red sweater with William Thomas sewed in the neck. Story writers are queer ani- mals. Their tales grow right out of their heads. Little Willie considers get- ting a thing through his head a simple matter. Once I heard a mother utter, “Daughter, go and shut the shutter.” “Shutter’s shut,” the daughter uttered, “I can’t shut it any shutter.” A man that bets may not be a good man, but a man that doesn’t bet is no better. “The lightning-bug is a funny bird, The poor thing has no mind, He goes on stumbling through the world With his head-light on behind.”
Page 104 text:
THE ORIOLE “Baby” Haislip — Say, there’s a football player out here wants his picture taken. Photographer — Full face? “Baby” — No, half back. Marvin Harden — If potassium iodide would alcohol barium? Livingston Sheppard — N o , but dynamite. Miss Finks wrote on back of English paper, ‘‘Please write more legibly.” Joe Bones — What was that you wrote on my paper yester- day? Carl Bunts (disgusted at show) — Horse’s neck! Mary Draper — Do they? John Calfee — I am speaking for the future. Marshall Bassett — Yes, and if you don’t hurry up it’ll be here. Frances Mullins — I know a person who lives on onions alone. Margaret Dyer — Well, any one who eats onions ought to live alone. Miss Thomas (in history class) — Men spend half of their in- come for food and a sixth for clothes. Livingston Sheppard — Yes, I was just debating whether I would eat dinner today or go to the show tonight. Frank Jackson — What part of the body is the fray, Miss Finks? Miss Finks — Fray? What are you talking about? Frank — This book says Ivan- hoe was wounded in the fray. She — Whenever I see Gillie playing football, I imagine he is calling on me. He — Why, honey, does he make a football out of you? She — No, but he breaks through my interference. Lila Gilmer — Took at the man running away with the ball. Catherine Dudley — W ell, maybe he is tired playing. Lila — I’ll bet he’s sorry now; look at them pile on him. HEARD AT DRESSING Livingston Sheppard — These shoes are too small, damn it. I don’t believe I’ll ever get them on till I’ve worn them a spell. Charles Boley — What is the passing grade here, “D” isn’t it? George Crowder — Yeh, but last year I passed two courses with ‘‘ease.” Her eyes say, “Dear, I love you,” And I’d marry her, I would — But her lips, they say, “I seen her,” “I done” and “used to could.”
Page 106 text:
THE ORIOLE The more than usual lack of intelligence among the students that morning got under the professor’s skin. “Class is dismissed,” he said, exasperated. “Please don’t flap your ears as you pass out.” Am I or am I not? I am. If I am not, what the duce am I ? Joke Editor (with a yawn and a stretch) — I’ve read them all over and haven’t cracked a smile. No matter how much mid- night oil ye editor burns on getting out his humor depart- ment, some one else always says, “I’ve heard that one before.” When the plumber makers a mistake he charges double for it. When a carpenter makes a mistake it’s just what he ex- pected. When a preacher makes a mistake no one knows the difference; but when an editor makes a mistake — tweet, tweet! Junior — That girl over there is a live wire. Senior — Introduce me; I want to be shocked. We knew not why his tie was neat and always neatly tied, until we pulled it; back it flew. “A snappy tie,” we cried. “Well, I slipped up on you, anyway, said the man to the banana peel, as he fell on the sidewalk. “I’m nobody’s fool,” she de- clared. “Be mine,” he offered gener- ously. Teacher — Some terrible things can be caught from kissing. Bobby — That’s the truth! You ought to see the poor fish my sister caught that way. Yes, it’s true, some people are so dumb that they think bridges were built to shade the fish. “Let me introduce Mr. Fish, he is an expert swimmer.” “Oh, yes, take him down and let him enjoy himself in the pool room.” Lady (purchasing ther- mometer) — And would you be so kind to set it to sixty-five, because that’s what the doctor says I’m to keep the room at. “I wish now,” said the lecturer “to tax your memory.” A wail in the audience: “Has it come to that?” “My good man, you should begin at the bottom and work up.” “It can’t be done in my line. I’m a grave digger.”
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