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Page 130 text:
MENU (Any boarding house.)
Mon. —Beans and Potatoes Tues. — ”
Wed. — ”
Thur. — ”
Fri. — ”
Sat. — ”
Sun. —Potatoes and Beans Warning: Butter passers, beware of knives! We use imitation butter in this dining room.
“Bread,” said the lecturer, “is the corner-stone of health.”
Any dorm girl: “That man must have heard of our biscuits.”
Bridge has its all East-West and North-South teams; football has its All-Americans; track its World Champions—but Peru claims the only Allboarding House team. Winners qualified after a weak week’s practice on a ten-foot table, under which each contestant’s feet were harnessed to the floor.
Our All-Boarding House team:
Right Forward or Longest Reach—Norman Littrell. Left Grandstander or Sugary Boy—Jack Heck. Center—of noise—Bill Chapin.
Right Guard—Longest at table—Bob Benson.
Left Out—Last one to table—Friel Kerns.
Right Tackle or Biggest Stew—Jack Snyder. Backstop or Space Holder—Georgie Mort.
THAT BRIGHT CHEERFUL FEELING “Hurry up, the bell rang an hour ago. My gosh, you’re slow.”
“Good night, if Gilbert wouldn’t always ring that bell ten minutes early, maybe I’d be ready. Anyway, the clock was slow.”
“Quit mumbling and come on.”
“That lousy jelly again. They must have bought a couple of carloads of it at some fire sale. Why don’t they give us strawberry.”
“Take that shoe off the table.”
“That’s not a shoe, my fran, that’s a piece of toast.”
“Pass me the Grape-nuts. I must get my vitality up for this exam Dr. Albert is going to give. You have to know the whole darned book. I said Grape-nuts, please.”
“Ye gods, do you have to chew them so hard. You sound like a horse eating petrified corn.” “Hey, I wanted coffee.”
“Well, why didn’t you put your spoon up.”
“I did long ago, if you’d only use your eyes.” “Shut up, you eggs, the dean’s giving us some dirty looks.”
“Dibs on the extra apple.”
“You had it yesterday.”
“All right, baby, you can have it.”
“What arc we waiting for, an earthquake. Let’s go.”
AN APPLICATION LETTER AS WE’D LIKE TO WRITE IT:
Peru, Nebraska, April 10, 1937.
Mr. U. B. deBoss, Director,
School District No. 13,
Pumkin Center, Nebraska.
A little bird tells me that the palooka you’ve got trying to educate the brats in your district has been fed up and intends joining a circus as a lion tamer. If the birdie knows his onions, and what birdie don’t, I’d like to take a shot at the job, providing the yokels lay enough on the line to keep me in socks and bath salts.
I spent the required twelve years in the Podunk public schools, and was I glad to get out! 1 took a normal training course in high school because it looked like a pipe, and I am now in my second year at Peru, the school where men are so scarce and women so plentiful that every male student is a potential Bluebeard. I will be issued some kind of a certificate in June and the old man says I’ve got to get out and hustle so please may I have the job?
I am not bad looking, (photo on request with ten cents for postage), and I know my A-B-C’s and my way around. For further information contact Joe Punches, Jake Branstitre, Bill Mooney, J. William Burke or the football team. On second thought, they may not be able to confirm the A-B-C part of it. Or perhaps you want personal demonstration, pardon me, application?
Thanks for the job, Toots, and when do I get my first check? Lovingly, Ima T. Cher.
Page 129 text:
The Parlor Car
RULES FOR THIS CAR (Will the following people take Special notice.)
1. All couples must sit at least 12-inches apart— John Magor and Eleanor Niemann.
2. Please don’t pull the tapestry loose—Eugene Imler.
3. Return all magazines to office immediately— All magazine readers.
4. Please leave lights on—Hoys visiting car.
5. Put all rubbish in incinerator—Whole third floor.
6. Do not leave without signing out—June Hoskins.
7. Everybody must be aboard at 10:30—Ruth Lvtton.
8. No smoking.
9. Music lessons in Baggage Car—All those who yodel, tap dance, own bazookas, sweet potatoes, or snore.
10. I)o not climb in windows—Thelma Arthur.
11. The telephone booth is not to be used for that good-night kiss—Ailcen Kelley and R. Cameron Sweenie.
12. Quiet please. You’re grown up now—All young ladies and young gentlemen.
13. The various ornaments standing around are vases not waste baskets—All candy bar eaters and gum chcwers.
14. Do not tear up newspapers in little pieces. If you feel like making a trail, the north woods arc recommended—All those persons with suppressed emotions.
15. Person’s with wild animals must go to rear of car—Ruth Howe.
OUR OWN BELIEVE IT OR NOT:
Dick Magill has to tic his neckties on the doorknob.
Dorothy Maystrick once got a grade lower than an “A”.
Johnnie Green and Winnie Hall weren’t sitting neck to neck in the parlor.
Evie Jones had a wrinkle in her dress.
Jeanne Burgncr was called down for being too loud.
Jack Heck was once speechless.
Charlotte Martin doesn’t bleach her hair.
Mable Mitchell forgot to stop after class and talk to her professors.
Willis Ludington had his history lesson.
Mary Ellen Slack went somewhere without Mary Liz Werner.
Betty Stenglein sang soprano.
Kenneth Mann asked a girl for a date.
Jo Rogers wore a coat on a warm spring day. Eleanor Campbell’s and Mildred Parli’s room had a speck of dust in it.
Jim Perdue forgot to be nice.
The dorm kitchen staff didn’t quarrel over who was supposed to have the left-over ice cream.
The plumbers walked down the hall without staring in a single room.
Hank Kellogg didn’t grin at everyone he knew. Ruth Ann Hill acted natural.
Pat Casey found someone who didn’t like her.
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE (How to murder a half-hour.)
“I want the dorm.”
“No, the other one.”
“Just a moment, please.”
(Five minute wait.)
“Hello, hello. This is Eliza Morgan.”
“I don’t want Eliza Morgan. I’m calling Catherine Harris.”
“Just a moment, please.”
(Five minute wait.)
“What d’ya want?”
“Is this Catherine Harris?”
“Naw, this is third floor.”
“Er, will you call Catherine Harris to the phone.”
“Just a minute.”
(Ten minute wait.)
“I’m still calling the dorm.”
“I beg your pardon.”
(Five minute wait.)
“Hello, is that you sweeheart?”
“Well, would you believe it. That gink that’s been calling me hung up. Of all the nerve!”
Page 131 text:
(To get a cross-section glimpse of life on the campus, one can’t overlook that bugbear of students— a typical convocation.)
‘‘The Lord is my .Shepherd, I shall not want . .
‘‘Before 1 make the announcements, Mr. Paul has a message. Mr. Paul.”
“Y. M. C. A. will meet in the east side of the Music Hall to-night at 8 o’clock. We are going to talk about Estes. All men are invited. Very interesting.”
“Miss Johnson has an announcement from the Peruvian office. Miss Johnson.”
“The list is up on the bulletin board for Peruvian reservation. If your name isn’t on the list, and you want a Peruvian, reserve yours now. The Peruvian office will be open Wednesday afternoon at float periods. This is absolutely your last chance to have a Peruvian reserved for you.”
“N. Y. A. checks are in the office. Please sign them at once. This is the third day they’ve been here, and many of them aren’t signed. Don’t you folks care for money? (Joke) Tee hee.”...........
“Y. W. will meet to-night in the west side of the Music Hall at 8 o’clock. We arc going to talk about Estes.”
“Will the Perusingers remain after convocation in the front of section C for a short talk about their concerts .... Residence girls remain for a short meeting to discuss party in back of Section B on the left side .... will the old P club members meet in center section front for short meeting. Very important . . . Episcopal Club please meet in front section A for a few moments . . . will the Girls Club Council stay for just a minute and see Mrs. Dunning in Section C, the three middle rows. Please be there . . . Everetts will hold a short meeting in back Section B to talk about best way to collect dues . . . Pi Gamma Mu meet in back of Section A. Mr. Heck wants to see all members for just a moment. You too, Mr. Reynolds . . . Mr. Nabors would like to see Charles Parnell and the Dramatic Club for
just a short meeting in the middle rows of Section B . . . will Kappa Phi remain for just a very short time in back of Section C.
“Convocation dismissed.” (And the faculty got up and slowly walked away!)
(A theme as a freshman would write it.)
All youth is divided into two species—college students and non-college students. You can always tell a non-college student—he has some money.
College students come to college for a number of reasons, such as: (I) they got into some kind of a scrape at home, (2) they are looking for a man (that is, the skirts are), (3) they are too dumb to get a job, (4) it gives them a chance to borrow on their insurance policy. (They’ve heard a lot about this from the old man, and they’ve always wanted to try it.)
College students are usually blondes and brunettes. Once in awhile there are some who have peculiarly colored hair. They are'called “titians.” These “titians” don’t look any different from the blondes and brunettes (anyway, not much), but whenever a female “titian” walks by, all the trousered college students sigh and say, “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, and oh boy!”
College students don’t like to look nice. They hate being neat. They think a suit is what one takes to court; breeches is the plural of heart-balm cases; and clean socks are what Joe Louis puts out.
College students are very adept at the game called “bluffing.” After four years of it on the varsity squad, they are handed an honorable discharge (if they’re good), which really means that they can play a good game of cards, throw a mean pair of dice, and recognize twenty different kinds of grass.
Ze sad sad end.
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