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Page 127 text:
The Baggage Car
IT CANT HAPPEN HERE:
May 21, 1947: “Tell me, Pete,” entereated
Doris Conwell Clark gazing into her mirror, “do you think I am still as pretty as you used to say I was when you first married me ten years ago?”
Said Pete: “Certainly not.”
Dormitory girls’ council in unison in answer to a “suggestion” offered by the dean:
“NO, Mrs. Dunning!”
One of the new members gives the acceptance speech at an initiation banquet of some fraternity or other:
“I’m not proud and thrilled to join this organization, and if I didn’t think it would give me a pull, I wouldn’t be here tonight.
I’m willing to do anything—if I can’t get out of it.”
AGED IN OAK:
Anna Louise Short: “What do you mean he’s too old?
Ruth Nicholas: “Why he’s so old he can remember when 'neck’ was a noun; ‘pansy’ was a flower; and ‘Fanny’ was a girl’s name.”
BOTTLED IN BOND:
If a freshman were as wise as he thinks he is, a sophomore as wise as he thinks other people think he is, a junior as wise as he thinks he will be, and a senior as wise as everybody thinks he should be— the Peru State Teachers College would sell out.
Richard Sherman was asked why he wasn’t in class yesterday:
“Professor, I didn’t have ptomaine poisoning, a bad cold, or a sprained ligament.
My grandmother’s great-aunt is still alive, and I didn’t watch the door for the such and such contest. I deliberately skipped class, prof., cause I was so darned bored I thought I’d die.”
Mrs. Marsh to a poor little freshman girl:
“I know you’re 40 minutes late, but we’ll let it go this time.”
The owners of “Puzt” trying to sell it to some dumb cluck:
“It’s in a heck of a shape but it will do 20 miles to a gallon. Drive one and walk nineteen! ”
AN AMERICAN PRODUCT
Margaret Vance: “Little boy, can I go through this gate?”
Paul Clark: “Guess so, a load of hay went thru it this morning.
THE SONG OF THE FAT GIRL
My life is one of hardship,
My troubles they are many;
I’d give my kingdom (and the horse)
If I were only skinny.
My favorite chair is reinforced,
My bed is doubly strong;
And when I walk upon a floor It shakes—Oh me, ’tis wrong.
And when I go buy a dress.
The clerk says (holding up a tent)
“This lovely garment, it will fit After—ahem—it’s let out a bit.
Though I, my sports and swimming mix,
I’m still a perfect fifty-six!
Page 126 text:
Problem: Dr. Winter asked the office to buy him some new text books. The request came back immediately, marked “granted”. Was it because (1) the office thought Dr .Winter needed the books?
(2) the office made a mistake? (3) the office had a surplus of money and wanted to spend some of it?
Answer: Miss Gockley was on her vacation.
Problem: Girls Club didn’t meet Wednesday at its regular time. Was it because (1) the auditorium burned up? (2) Mary Katherine Hanlan was ill?
(3) the girls had a sit-down strike on the campus lawn?
Answer: Mrs. Dunning misplaced her scrapbook.
THAT BLOND AGAIN Love is nothing but a game,
So all the poets say.
But if love is nothing but a game,
I went out on a triple play.
“Beg Pardon,” said the hotel clerk at the Corn-husker during the State Teachers Convention, “but what is your name?”
“Name!” echoed indignant Grace Tear, who had just registered, “Don't you see my signature there on the register?”
“I do,” answered the clerk calmly, “that is what aroused my curiosity.
1910 - - BUT STILL GOING STRONG:
Mr. Heck: “I want the ‘Life of Julius Caesar.’ ”
Ethel Glosser: “I’m sorry. Brutus is ahead of you.”
SOME MORE PRE-WAR STUFF:
Gretciien Miller: “When was the revival of learning?”
Dr. Maxwell: “Before the last exam.”
N. Y. A.
(The place? - - Ye good old White House.) (The people? - - Two politicians.)
“We need some votes, my dear John Doe, Election day is coming,
And if I don’t keep on this job My gosh, I’ll be a-bumming.
Now sir, you see it is the youth (According to the Digests)
Who’ll have the say on next poll day - -Dear me, we must get things to humming.” They canvassed all the colleges They searched through all the towns,
And after months of good red-tape,
This is what they found:
Our youth, our own forgotten youth,
Our youth needs recreation - -
So out of all this fuss, it came - -
The National Youth Administration!
Bull Thrower—“Silver-tongue” Chinnock Football thrower—Jack Floyd Basketball thrower—Bob Halladay Hash Thrower—Joel Punches Water thrower—Pansy Pierce—304 (Now you know!)
Teacher fainted, hit the floor,
Dorrie Jones forgot to snore.
Plattcnberg began to gaze Miers’ mind was in a maze.
Julia Jeanne began to talk.
Galbraith even forgot to talk.
Now that I’ve got you all a-guessin’
Here’s the reason—“Class had their lesson.”
Page 128 text:
The old maleman decided it was well into the season to change his socks, but when he went to get his other pair, he found they were stuffed full of odds and ends. He thrust in his thumb and pulled out—the cutest doll. It walks, it talks, and egad, it sings! “Ah, la, la, for that’s the life for mee-e- e!” Here’s a tag. A Prichard doll, and its name is Harold. Sh, Mr. Maleman, try again.
This time it’s a cute little mansion from Ord, but what would we do with a Greathouse like that. A toss and away he goes . . . (he’ll be Kamen around the mountain . . .)
Another delve into the No. 14’s. A small booklet edited by the Men’s Club, entitled “What Every Peru Hoy Should Know:”
P. 13. Caution. “Beware of confidence men —especially at Wcare’s.”
P. 42. Blankets. “Blankets are very valuable and should be treated carefully, as they serve two purposes—they can be used for warmth in winter, or as a spread in summer.
P. 59. Time. (Past, present, and future.) If you go with a freshman and wish to keep the correct time, buy a wrist watch, a pocket watch, and an alarm clock. Set the pocket watch for dorm time, the wrist watch for school time and the alarm clock for eating time. Then listen for the town whistle. You should be wrong on all three of your other timepieces to be right with the town clock.
P. 95. Beds. If you are locked out some night and are looking for a hotel, try Higgins. (That is, if you aren’t already there.) It is a most hospitable house—and the beds— not a bump in a boatload.
The Male Car
“My word, what’s this. Another doll with a “P” on its sweater. A strange-looking knight of old Peru with:
Hair like “Mose” Mosley’s Forehead like Freddie Brockman’s Eyes like David “Lollypoppsie” Zimmerman’s Complexion like Wayne Lindberg’s Torso like “Slim” McCormick’s Legs like Glenn Sheelcy’s Feet like Bob Weber’s Mouth like “Joe” Kniess’s Manners like Jerry Snyder’s Voice like Bill Plattenbcrg’s For gosh sakes, throw it away before it laughs like Georgie Lytton.
A big lump near the toe of the sock turns out to be a silver-plated loving cup. “Presented to Robert Badham and Elaine Dodd by the Peru college investigating committee for the best and most outstanding example of true love as seen on the campus proper during the school year 1936-1937.
IMA POST ETIQUETTE FOR PERU MEN Lesson No. 1—How to Act on a Date
1. Remain seated when she comes into the room. She will think this is cave-mannish and adore you for it.
2. Say "Hi Babe! sit down till I get through with the sport page.” This will thrill her— it’s very man-about-I’eruish.
3. Walk down to the show and be sure and walk on the inside if it’s muddy. A car might splash mud on your cords.
4. When you get to the theatre, borrow a buck from her. This (if forgotten) will bring her closer to you.
5. Laugh all the time at the show, and at each laugh give her a poke in the ribs. Girls like a lot of attention.
6. Don’t stop to eat, as you won’t have time.
7. Wait until the lights blink, then make a dash for the door. 'Phis is great sport and adds zest to the evening—especially if you get there late. (If she gets campused, you don’t have to worry about her dating out for awhile.)
8. After you leave her, meander over to the Campus Shop and feed up. If you do all the above, you should be able to go to sleep with a clear conscience.
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