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Page 177 text:
(Dr. Brown edges up)
Sf. Peter: "So you are the teacher of social science? What excuse can you offer for such a course as you teach in citizenship? What subjects does it embrace?"
Brown: "We start with the first man and trace him up through his tribal affiliations. I hen we move him into towns, and then we take a day off and have the Industrial Revolution. Usually we can dispense with the Hundred Years War in half an hour and devote the rest of the period to the popular e’ection of United States senators. Occasionally. I hold the class after the hour is up for a minute or two to devote to such minor matters as the discovery of America and a consideration of the life of Martin Luther Recently in one class period we fought the Civil War and the Spanish-American War, dealt rather thoroughly with the Congress of Vienna, followed Stanley up through Africa, discussed the reforms of Alexander and devoted the last three minutes of the period to a consideration of the shape of skulls and their influence on woman's suffrage."
St. Peter: You are now dismissed."
(Dr. Maxwell hurries up)
St. Peter: "You are a Professor of Philosophy are you not7’
Maxwell: "Yes sir.”
St. Peter: "I suppose you can reason out anything?"
Maxwell: "Well, no question is too hard for a philosopher."
St. Peter: "All right, answer this one. Is there anything in this world that you can cut at both ends and still make it longer?"
Maxwell: "Now. now. you are tricking me into saying something platitudinous.'
St. Peter: "I insist upon an answer."
Maxwell: "Why. of course, there's nothing that you can cut at both ends and still make it longer. That's foolishness.”
St. Peter: "Mow about a ditch? I fear you have missed your calling you should have run for Congress."
Maxwell: "Why. your honor?"
St. Peter: "Because you can talk so long without saying anything. Gentlemen. I find it impossible to admit any of you up here. I find that none of you can possibly qualify as angels. So I'll have to put you on the elevator and send you down. But before you go you had better sing a little song for Gabriel here. The poor fellow gets so little amusement out of life.
(The five line up and sing the fo lowing to the tune of "Alice Blue Gown.")
In our cute little gowns and our caps
We will wait for St. Pete to blow taps
Then we ll all go below
Where the red-hot fires glow
Where there’s never a winter and never a snow.
There we ll start out and have a new school And the Devil will make every rule.
We ll abolish all lectures: quit all debate And wait there for President Pate.
(Curtain and slow music)
Your mouth looks common!" Just imagine, just fancy, my Rexie saying that. But it
was only too true. Get wise to yourself. Acquire a rosebud mouth. Start the evening right. Apply LLOYD'S LIPPROOE LIPSTICK now.
Our Little Nellie Zape.
Page 176 text:
(A Play in some acts)
Scene: At the gates of Heaven. St. Peter is seated behind a high table. Gabriel stands at his right.
St. Peter (rapping with gavel): "What business is on dock for today?"
Gabriel: "Five men to come before you. your honor."
St- Peter: "Where are they from?"
Gabriel: "Peru State Teachers College."
.Sr. Peter: "How does it happen that they all died at once7"
Gabriel: "They spent one too many week ends in Peru."
St. Peter: "Very well, show them in."
i Knter Tylf.r. Steck. Kahn. Dr. Brown, and Maxwell)
St. Peter (to Tyler): "Who are you?"
Tyler: "Professor of Journalism at Peru and . . ."
St. Peter: Never mind! Is it true that you had the reputation of being the laziest professor
in the institution?"
Tyler: "I have heard rumors to that effect.”
St. Peter: "Yes. so have I. It is also true that your students in News always become efficient in working cross-word puzzles?'
Tyler: "I don't include cross-word puzzles in my course. But they certainly don't become efficient in reporting the news."
St. Peter: "Oh. of course not. your students work on puzzles during your lectures."
Tyler: "Is there any chance for me to get through the gate?"
St. Peter: "About the same chance as a student's getting an excuse from class for oversleeping. Next?"
(Stp.ck steps up)
St. Peter: And who might you be?"
Steck: I might be an opera singer but I'm really only a Music Professor."
St. Peter: "Oh. yes. Very fond of singing in chapel and giving speeches about rc'ieving the depression aren’t you."
Steck: "Well. yes. I’m rather proud of those achievements."
St. Peter: You oughtn't to be. You remind me very much of a band."
Steck: "Why is that, your honor."
St. Peter: "Well, for three reasons. In the first place you're always at the head of some
parade: in the second place you’re always dressed in some trick costume: and in the third
place you always make enough noise so that everyone can hear you. All right, the next
(Kaiin is next)
St. Peter: You're Professor of History. I believe? Am I right in saying that you are also
Kahn: "No sir. I never was an actor."
St. Peter: "That seems strange. One of your students said you put on some real shows in
your classes. I received the impression that you were quite an acrobat."
Kalin: "Oh no. your honor. I never do anything more violent than jump over chairs and climb on top of the radiators to illustrate my point."
St. Peter: That will do. Next."
I'm dynamic, dazzling, dyspeptic, dizzy, delightful, deliriously duped. You too can be drenched with popularity and dates. Lise TOLLY TOOTHPASTE for TIDY TEETH.
Page 178 text:
Matriculation Incarceration Probation Hibernation Conversation Vegetation Relaxation Perturbation Examination Graduation.
Donna Jane: "Isn’t the sky glorious? Oh! for the wings of a dove!"
Virginia Milstead: "Can't say that's my taste, exactly. A large plate of cold ham would be more appreciated."
Guff: "Goodbye. I'm indebted to you for all I know." The Dean: "Don't mention such a trifle."
This space is reserved for one of Dick Armstrong's jokes, but by request of nine-tenths of the student body it was omitted.
Book Agent (to Mr. Collins): "You ought to buy an encyclopedia, now that Tom is going to school."
Mr. Collins: "Not on your life. Let him walk the same as I did."
Dean Grass: "I don’t like these pictures. They don't do me justice." Photographer: "Justice? What you want is mercy."
Gas Man: "Juice? ”
Motorist: "Veil, vat if ve are?"
I have used LINDSTROM HAIR TONIC for four years. My hair has lengthened three-fourths of an inch. Who could ask for more?
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