New London High School - Whaler Yearbook (New London, CT)

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20 BIJLKELEY NEWS to suffer from the heat of summer and the dog instinct in it would cause it to gasp. In my opinion, when St. Germain brings forth the coat and the pants, he ought to feel well suited. “You might suppose that St. Germain has a wonderful gift of creation but the real inventive genius of the age is none other than Copeland. His latest patented idea is a soup-spoon with a Maxim silencing attachment. Wishing to carry out his idea to its fullest extent he appealed to Bill Belcher for financial support. Belcher accepted the offer and the firm became known as Copeland 6fc Belcher. Copeland was to supply the brains and Belcher was to furnish the cash; but I’ve heard that when both brains and •money were put together the firm couldn’t supply an eyewash for a needle. ‘ ‘The next one is a sad case. One of our number has won world-wide fame; and yet he is hated for it. He has become a national necessity; but every day he drives the country to the verge of civil war. Without him the nation would decline to a low-state; with him the people are continually longing for his blood. He is a hero of the deepest dye; yet even a deacon would take joy in lynching him. Who is this person, and what is his occupation, you ask? The foolhardy man is Keating. He is a baseball umpire. “Now7 w-hile the subject of baseball is fresh on my mind, I may as w7ell tell you about Delnner. As you probably know, Delnner alw-ays wanted to be a w7riter. He soon found out, however, that in order to be a writer of American subjects, one must be able to speak the English language as she should be spoke. In the course of time Delnner became sporting editor of the ‘War Cry.’ Of course, a sporting editor doesn’t necessarily have to speak English just as long as he knows all the modern slang expressions. As a slanguist, Deh-mer is writing his way to fame and fortune. “A life on the ocean wave appealed to Barrett so much that he joined the Navy in 1917. He saw active service in Mexico, but, sad to relate, his heroic efforts were halted when he was wounded by the explosion of a piece of chili con carne loaded with mustard. He is still to be found in the Old Soldiers’ Home, whence he was retired, and no doubt, he can give a more accurate account of his evperiences than I can. “When Gaffney was a schoolboy he showed marked ability as an author. His ability in writing stories clung to him in his later days with increasing skill. By writing for well-known magazines he first appeared before the gaze of the public. His masterpiece, however, is a one act play entitled The Stewed Clam.’ The scene portrayed in this drama is a church-picnic. In the clam-stew soon to be served lies a solitary clam which piteously tells its history and begs to be restored to its family. In order to cut down the expenses of production, Gaffney, the author, took the leading part—that of the stewed clam. In his fifteen years of acting—not including his four years at Bulkeley—Gaffney has never been given the hook. This is probably due to the fact that a clam cannot be caught with a hook.

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bulkeley news 19 Parel was returned to the owner, the latter missed several buttons, important for their upkeep work. Upon Sherb’s refusal to pay for the tailoring work, Kaufman resorted to legal action. He hired Rosenthal to defend his side of the case, but Rosenthal had a broken arm, incurred in an argument with a blind man, and how can any Yiddisher make an effective speech with only one arm with which to talk? As a last resort, Kaufman imported from Mystic at great expense, the learned barrister, N. Ryley. At the trial Ryley made a speech that has gone down in history. He carried everything before him. So thrilling was it that Judge Murphy and ten jurymen actually stayed awake during the entire proceedings. As I remember, the best part of the wonderful oration goes like this: It is in vain, gentlemen, to convict my client in the name of Justice. The plaintiff may cry for restitution for the death of his pet grasshopper, but is he justified in getting it? Proof has been put before you showing that the act of the defendant was one of necessity to the community. Is the safety of the people considered so low that a blood-thirsty grasshopper — hopelessly crazy, totally insane, hopping mad—should be allowed to run rampant through a neighboring field where live-stock is grazing? Was not the defendant justified in protecting his cattle from the ravages of this beast? Be reasonable, for the love of Mike! I know not how you may decide this matter, but if you must use the name of Justice, I demand the freedom of my client. ’ “Of course, Ryley didn’t know what he was raving about, and with just as much certainty I say that the subject of his speech had no bearing on the case; and you might say that it contains a suspicious flavor of Patrick Henry—but what of that? Modern justice is not influenced by such trifles. And— “But speaking of trifles, there was Kaplan. Poor chap! You probably remember that his greatest ambition was to be a man. Apparently he thought that one of the requisites of being a man was to get a girl. He got a girl, all right—a Chesterfield chicken. Kaplan — poor luckless child that he always was—was soon mixed up in a breach of promise suit. All the evidence was against him. The final verdict was a sad blow to his pride. He told me that he had never felt so cut up about anything since the day he tried to shave from his chin a certain indefinite something you couldn’t lay your finger on. But this is a cruel world! “Now perhaps you would like to know what became of St. Germain. As a scientific farmer he is regarded as a second Luther Burbank. At the present time he is trying to make more prominent the animal instinct of such plants as the cra ipple, the catwip, the horseradish, the gooseberry etc. He actually has perfected a dogwood tree that really barks. The last reports I had of him were to the effect that he was then working on an entirely original idea. He thinks that if he were able to cross a catnip with a dogberry, the result would be a bush that would bear a coat of fur (inherited from the catnip); and this heavy fur coat would cause the plant

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bulkeley news 21 “Liljenstein, too, has reached the top of his profession. What great heights lias he attained, you ask? A-bout one thousand feet, I should say. Let me explain. When ambitious Liljenstein started working, he began as a common sweeper in the basement of a New York skyscraper. Step by step he was promoted so that today he is the chief window-washer on the seventy-third and topmost floor of the same building. What greater heights could he have reached, I beg of you? “When Bill Leary went to Bulkel-ey, he had two fads. One was being President; the other was 'Home Rule for Ireland.’ So much arguing over class pins, freshmen athletics, class pictures, etc. marked his administration at Bulkeleythat upon graduating no man was ever better qualified to enter politics than was Leary. But he didn’t confine his efforts to this hemisphere. He crossed the ocean and entered the struggle then going on to give Ireland more than home rule—to place her among the nations of the earth. Bill’s presence won the struggle for old Erin. His wonderful powers of oratory made possible the writing of Robert Emmet’s epitaph. And after the victory was won, the hero fain would retire and ' bask in his glory (just like that!) but the Irish people would hear of nothing like that. Leary was the unanimous choice for president of the Republic of Ireland. Since then an era of happiness and prosperity has marked Ireland’s history, due to President Leary’s wise policies. I forgot to say that when Leary entered the political ring, he saw how hopeless were his chances if he was to become separated from his chief advisor, Corcoran. Accordingly, he persuaded Corcoran to act as private secretary. Corcoran accompanied Leary to the ‘Old Sod’ and entered the struggle with vim. Although not generally known as such, many of President Leary’s wisest acts are due to Secretary Corcoran’s brainy bits of advice. “When Mulcahey heard of the success of Leary and Corcoran in Ireland, his patriotic spirit urged him to follow his old mates across the ocean. He, too, has done great things for the land of his fathers. He did not enter politics. He had nothing to do with Ireland’s era of prosperity. Yet many people look upon him as a greater benefactor than the beloved Leary. Through Mulcahey’s efforts baseball was introduced into the green little isle. Little wonder that he should be regarded as a hero! “A few years ago Webster’s Dictionary was found to be distinctly out of date, resulting in more or less confusion to all Americans. Not long since, Schwartz placed upon the market ‘Schwartz’s Revised Dictionary,’ which is now recognized throughout the world as the standard dictionary of the English language. Information such as population, results of past elections, statistical figures, etc. which pervaded the old-fashioned dictionary are omitted in Schwartz’s publication, and in their places we find interesting and useful information such as big league schedules and statistics, the popular plays, as well as a few original poems. The huge success of Schwartz’s Revised Dictionary may be attributed to these attachments. “Sometime ago I was informed