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P,gFlgiM.A.H.S.-THQFE A GROUP OF PARODIES Hamlet In Modern Dress By Billy Thomas Act I In courtyard. Enter Hamlet and Ophelia. Hamlet-So, they've went and killed the old man, huh? Well, just watch me pull a Scotland Yard and track down the baby who did it. Believe me I'll find out if I have to go nuts to do it. Ophelia-Listen, Boy-friend, I think you're all wet. But I still love you. Hamlet-Never mind, sweet one, that father of yours is out for no good. He and my stepfather are too thick. I says look out. Enter Horatio. Hamlet-Well, well, my old pal, Horsie. Say, old kid, I need assistance and how. Can I depend on you? Horatio-You know me Hamy, old thing, I never fail. CExit all three.J Act II Claudius and Gertrude at luncheon. Claudius-Gertie dear, I see by the Denmark Gossiper' that Hamlet is out scouting for his father's assassin. Gertrude-Well, the boy has finally found something to occupy his spare moments. He's been walking around like a crepe hanger lately. Of course, e's T CEnter Poloniusj Polonius-Ah, dear king and queen how are ya been? I myself feel like a severe case of halitosis this morning. Too much party last night. Say, King, what do you think about Hamlet and Ophie? It looks pretty serious to me. It appears that a little spying might add light to the matter. Gertrude-You don't think they're in love do you? Polonius-If they're not I'll eat my gaiters. King Claudius-Oh, Well, youth will have its fling. CEnter Hamletj Hamlet-Ha! So this is Paris? You know, folks, I've been waiting for just such a chance as this. I wish to make it known that Ophie and I are about to be hitched, just as soon as I locate the hand that killed father, of course. Claudius-You'll have a long search, my lad. Ahem! Hamlet Casidej-CAh something seems to be mildew'd in my native land.J fAloudD-Oh well, I need practice as a sleuth. Gertrude-Now, Hamlet, I do wish you'd think a bit before marrying. Hamlet-You'd better not talk, ma: poor pa wasn't under the sod two hours before you hooked up with Claudius. Claudius-That'll do! Hamlet-Stall right, governor, no of- fense. CAsideJ-COh how I'd like to put arsenic in his javalj Well olive oil people, see you soon. Skip the gutter, Polonius. You'll make a great father- in-law. Act III Two weeks later. Scene is in the Courtyard. Hamlet, Ophelia, Horatio. Hamlet-Is it or isn't it? 1 Ophelia-What are you saying, Ham- Ct. Hamlet-Don't bother me, I'm goofy. Ophelia-I guess you are, and I don't mean if . Horatio-Ophelia, I'd like to shove the fat with Hamy for a while. Would you mind telling your good-looking brother Laertes I would like a word with him? CExit Ophelia.J Horatio-Say Pal, this jane of yours is carrying all our plans to her old man. I got this from reliable authority. Hamlet-I don't believe you. Horatio-What! you believe a skirt in preference to me? Consider our friendship at an end. Hamlet-Sorry old man, go ahead with the story. Horatio-I heard that the king is hep to the big deal tonight so how've ya been? Hamlet-I've been acting like a bug- house inmate so they all think I've for- gotten my little detective game. I know Claudius thinks Iim harmless but -- CEnter a servant.J Servant-Oh, Hamlet! come quick: Ophelia has fallen into the lily pond and drowned. Hamlet-Well, that's just too bad! I-Ioratio-Now you're talking sense, pa . Hamlet-Never liked her anyway. Horatio-Everything all set. Tonight we do it regardless of anything. Hamlet-Thou has said it, dear one. Act IV Midnight in Castle. Enter Hamlet and Horatio from bed- rooms. Hamlet-Well, that's olf my mind now. Page Seventeen
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