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Page 25 text:
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Paging US Walter Golaszewski, the ticket agent, announced that seats have been reserved by the fol- lowing celebrities: David John- ston, famous explorer and flea trainer; Robert Miller, big milk magnate; Virginia Chenevert, whose face was voted the most photographed in the country [She poses for the Soap Beauti- ful Company.]; Mae Cameron, famous actress and student of the life and works of Confucius; Reno Salli, her press agent; SCIENCE HARNESSES THE-ELEMENTS (Continued from Page 22 Col. 3) together several machines in- vented by his assistants into one gigantic auto-climatic register. He has been assisted by War- ren Stone, Wilfred Tetreault, and Andrew Panek, great inventors, who designed the de-element- engine, a unique machine with- out which Kopyscinski could never have carried out his work. The machine is very sensitive to radio-atmospheric waves, commonly called the McCleish Waves. Frank McCleish had discovered them when he floated to the sky in a balloon designed by Arnold Santos and Remie Jarvis, who claim that under favorable conditions it can float to the substratosphere. During a convention of the Inventors’ Union, Raymond Boudet, famous lecturer, explained how the machine works. There are a series of buttons by which the machine operates. [Dexter Hiersche is the official botton presser.] Each button controls certain forces. For in- stance, one controls the produc- tion of good weather, so if it is pressed, the machine sends out streams of electric current which break up the rain into the separ- ate gases, hydrogen and oxygen of which water is composed, and the rainstorm evaporates. This part of the machine was invented by Wilder Rice. Mario Silva and Antonio Rod- rigues made another important addition to the machine. If its control button is pressed, the McCleish waves are set in motion. These waves hurl the hydrogen and oxygen elements together thus producing rain when it is needed. Helen Smolak and Albert Fioramanti, famous acrobatic ice-skaters, needed ice last sum- mer to practice on so they em- ployed Emily Borek to make it or them. Miss Borek invented a huge vacuum machine which sucks all the heat from the water and causes it to freeze. This invention was also added to the original machine. THE ORACLE, MARCH 6, 1980 WHO'S WHO OF PROMINENT LUDLOW ALUMNAE Miss STELLA BEDNARZan. seek Well known first-aid instructor at lb inks, INATSS) IEEON AN DELL Onn arnt Nun in charge of the “Kindly Deed Orphanage.” Winner of the Women’s No-talk Contest. She didn’t talk for two days! Most successful nurse of the year. Had 365 patients. Olympic swimming champion for five years. IMISSUHEAN, SEZs oot oni. «tibet Story teller at the Children’s Library. MUISSMIAND re YSIKe mse aati: Miss CELESTE MARTINS AND Tells better fables than Aesop. Teacher of elocution at Smith Col- lege. Miss RosaLinD MartINS......Appearing in vaudeville as the famous Crystal Gazers, using the name—The Mystic Martins. Miss Motity MATEeER.........Owner of the Seaside Night Club, a favorite haunt of sailors. Miss RosE MELNYCK......... Champion typist of the world. Now Miss SARA SILVA AND Miss Mary NUNES............ Catherine Liecivitz, owner of a dude ranch in the wilds of Granby, and Norman Martin, perennial college boy. COUNTESS WINS SIXTH DIVORCE Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 The former Countess Jane Laska Sarawaki Fuller today was granted her sixth divorce, in Reno, Nevada, this time from Percy Fuller, millionaire playboy, on the grounds of mental cruelty. She had been residing at the Reno Dude Ranch, operated by Margaret Thompson, for the nec- essa ry length of time. The for- mer countess won a suit for $10,000 last year against Helen Kielbania, Broadway Chorus Girl, for alienation of Fuller's affection, and one for $5000 from the Blah Newspaper Chain, owned by Fabiola Syriac and Mary Thompson, for slander. MEDICINE SHOW. DRAWS LARGE ATTENDANCE Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 With his raucous laughter 23 doing speed demonstrations for the Remington Co. Social Service Worker who greatly helped to clear the slums of Springfield by teaching families to stay within their budgets and still keep up a good standard of living. Partners in operating the first Es- cort Bureau for Wealthy Females in Ludlow, Mass. keeping time to the best of tom- toms, Kenneth Edgar, riding in state on the back of a camel [it’s cooler up there] ushered into Ludlow what is termed the most stupendous medicine show in carnival history. The tents were set up im- mediately with Vivaldo Pancotti, chief barker, barking out orders. Our sharp-eyed reporter, Albert Oulette, spied several celebrities among the crowd. These included Josephine Suro- wiec, author of the current best seller, “Give Me One Breeze,” Nellie Obrzut, the cowgirl from Brookline, and Marie Severns. Spectators held their breath as they watched Anna Dudek and John Zina dressed in diving suits, do their spectacular trap- eze act. To the left, garbed in long, gaudy robes, her face rouged and powdered, Edna Fuller, mystic crystal gazer, foretold the future. Observers also enjoyed various forms of amusement, the most sensational being rides in baby carriages pushed by Ruth Kartz and Gloria Pereira, noted for their muscular might.
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Page 24 text:
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Sees all; hears all; knows nothing [va | Che Orarle VOLUME: 1940 TERRA FIRMA— MARCH 6, 1980 NO. 10o00X NO BROADWAY ENTERTAINS AT WHITE HOUSE Washington, D.C.,March6, 1980 Having established a reputa- tion for indolence and disregard for the politicians’ weapons of winning votes, President John Fournier today pulled a major coup detat. The press and general public were startled at this unexpected turn of events. Through his social secretary, Miss Fannie Brockway, it was announced that the President and his gracious cousin, Nancy Topor, will present a banquet and entertainment to the public at the White House on the 24th. It has been reported by reliable authorities that this important piece of strategy was invented by Stanley Slosek, the president's campaign manager. Many Broadway stars have been employed to supply enter- tainment that evening. The major attractions include Gloria Lemos and Emil Szczebak, blues singers; William Frennier and Pearl Grabowski, champion jit- terbug team; Stanley Jasienow- ski with Lillian Pease, and Wal- ter Kosciw with Rose Czorny, ballet dancers; and Franklin Ellison, King of Swing. For the special event the White House publicity managers are Helen Burkot and Jennie Barscz. WESTER HANGS HEAD AS LITERARY HARVEL SWEEPS COUNTRY Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 Dr. Francis Bourbeau of the International University, today sold exclusive publishing rights to the Beatrice Tourville Pub- lishing Company, of what is per- haps the greatest dictionary ever to be written. It was predicted by Alexander Polansky, Anna Szydlowski, and Lourdes Guerra, English professors at the Lud- low Kindergarten, that the world as soon as it is known, will accept this lexicon as the greatest achievement in history. BOARD OF EXPERTS TO SOLVE WORLD PROBLEMS New York, N. Y., March 6, 1980 The Board of Experts, Inc., a very exclusive organization of which the recognized leaders are Eileen Golden, Helen Miazga, Alice L’Esperance, Catherine Le- wicki, William Low, and David Ritchie, has been employed by the World Relations Board to solve the problem of how to bring bigger and better circuses to the people of the world. After their first brain pool at the Pro Merito “Information Please” program at L. H. S. way back in ‘40 proved successful, the organization decided to make a career of answering questions. They have already solved several national problems, and the world eagerly awaits their certain cure of its ailments. IF SHE CAN ONLY COOK! Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 Today, the finals of the Nation Wide Cooking Contest spon- sored by the Hopeful Maidens’ Cooking Club, will be held at Ludlow, Mass., the new capital of Mass., it was announced to Josephine Barczynski, president of the club. The following ladies will participate: Edna Gates, Marion Potter, Shirley Butler, Emma Santos, Julia Almeida, and Helen Zych. It is expected that the tastiest hash of the year will be con- cocted. The competition will be terrific, as the prize is marriage to Ralph Rossi, eligible bachelor, who has for a long time been seeking a wife who can cook! SOCIAL NOTES Barbara Bell, famous painter, who had been commissioned to retouch the paintings in the churches in Vatican City, Italy, is home from her tour abroad. She will be entertained at a ban- quet to be given at the Hotel Kimball in her honor by Nellie Kurpaska, Grace Wilson, Edwin Janeczek, Ann Janik, and Stan- ley Gajewski, other noted Ameri- can artists. The amorous George Bassett is on the spot! For the past week his wife, Celia Fidalgo, chorus girl in the stage hit, “I Like Faithful Husbands,” has em- ployed the great detectives, Steven Wojcik and Teddy Waz, to keep a close watch on her hus- band. The super-sleuths have reported that George is constant- ly visiting Peter Osolinski’s bar- ber shop where he spends his wife’s hard earned money get- ting manicures from the lovely Lorraine Guertain. Oh! Georgie Porgie! Mrs. Ida Piangerelli Marelli, prominent socialite, was so pleased with the gowns, designed 22 by Helen Hull, and modeled by Lillian Hojnak and Josephine Ventura, at the Grand Opening of Sophie Bator's Modern Fash- ion Shoppe, that she bought up the entire stock of fifty thousand dollars’ worth of frocks! Hubby, Felix Marelli, still has one chronic headache footing her bills. The American Medical As- sociation has given great praise to Dr. Alice Nedeau for her dis- covery of a permanent cure for hypochondriosis at a recent con- vention of that august body. She has suggested that Congress pass a bill authorizing doctors to charge the sufferers a tax equal to the amount of his fee—but of course, whereas they cheerfully pay doctors’ bills, the tax is a different story. SCIENCE HARNESSES THE ELEMENTS Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 Mark Twain once made the sage remark, “Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”’ For the past ten years Walter Kopyscin- ski, eminent scientist, has been carrying out successful experi- ments to disprove that state- ment. He has successfully put (Continued Col. 1 Page 23) ALUMNI TO PLAY PebtaonVARSHIY Ludlow, Mass., March 6, 1980 Tonight is a big night for the Class of ‘40. They will return to their beloved Alma Mater to watch their alumni team beat the varsity in a great basketball game. The contest will be played ac- cording to girls’ rules, Steve Pawliw, the manager of the alumni announced. [Steve is also the manager of the N. Y. Yan- kees’ baseball team. } The line-up will include Cap- tain Alfred Barret, prosperous designer of women’s hats; Joseph Alves, Mayor of Ludlow; Clarence Abair, president of the No-Knots Lumber Co., Evo Bellucci, famous teacher of bal- let: Walter Dobrzycki, chief ice- cleaner of the Boston Bruins, who it is estimated has swept over five tons of ice from the rink surface during games, and Mike [Tarzan] Melnyk, physical cul- ture director.
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