Lafayette College - Melange Yearbook (Easton, PA)

 - Class of 1914

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Page 311 text:

that his fault. He docsn't room on the campus, but there's a reason, for there's no girls on the campus either. He gets just as enthusiastic over fussing as over singing, acting and dancing. These, he says, are a side issue and they teach him when to make the right move at the right time, and they surely do. I nominate Doug Lawall." "Mr. President, I want to nominate a 'Man among Womeng' one who fusses so much he fusscs himself, gets fussed and verily lives on fussing. He can be seen in the frontrow of any theater at all perfonnances where the twinkle in his eye and the accuracy of the part in the middle of his wavy locks vie with one another in the admiration of admiresses. He is one envied by all. I challenge any man or woman present to present a candidate who can invite fussing with greater success than my candidate when he goes promenading with his graceful stride and handsome countenance: an entrancing twinkle in his eye and a gallant cane in his hand. I nominate 'Eddie' Carhartf' At this point as if to add emphasis to the speech, 'Eddie' is seen to extract a dainty little perfumed handkerchief from an interior hiding-place and pass it around for inspection. After Barker had a good look, and impressed upon the class that he aspired especially to this honor himself, he opened nominations for the "Politician" of the class. ' "Mr. President, we all know that Allentown is the home of homes, the home of fairs and the fairest ldoubtful looksl, the home of hotels fcertain memories fill all mindsl and soda fountains lsurpriselg above all, the home of politicians. My nominee doesn't live exactly in Allentown, he's too wise for that, for there he would be too open for observation. But he lives a slight dis- tance away in an unassuming little town where unobserved by the wicked caluminators of this world, and yet within close proximity to that lofty source of inspiration of Allentown, he plots the plans that ply the world. This man has now come to college where he plies the plots he plans. Like all successful politicians, he isn't at all particular, proof of which lies in the fact that he has aided in electing such a worthless specimen of the human race as our hallowed President. I nominate Fegley." . Mr. Trembath arises, and, in a manner befitting one who knows all, is fully conscious of it, and is eager to disseminate it regardless of the time it takes or the result on weak constitutions, begins: "Mr, President, political science, being the substance of nil, and the evidence of which we have yet to see, is not possessed except by the fortunate few. After prolonged investigation into the marked delineations of character in this class, and after considerable observation into the psychological capacities of all individuals concerned, I have eventually arrived at the con- clusion that a candidate for this honor should be fully qualified for it. The recipient or the recipiency of such an honor must be included in the category of the versatile subjects dealt with in the Encyclopedia Britannica, and therefore lclass, thinking he is going to quit, begin to assume less belligerent attitudesl we should now get right down to business and carefully take a survey of the circumstances. Now a-"fthe class, disappointed in their hopes, rise up in a fury, and cannot be quieted until the object of their wrath is ejectedl. Barker, however, receives his nomination, Vince Smith. After the identity of this individual is revealed, proceedings continue. "Mr. President. I should worry so about all this fuss. There is only one man 'fully qualified by his innate potentialities for the magnificent assumption of such an honor' as our friend, Mr. B. S. Trembath, might say. That man has been much in evidence this day. He has given away more cigars than any ten men and I don't know what else, he has been nominated for almost every ofiice, a proof in itself sufficient to elect my nominee. lClass begins to become impatient 304

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Nominations followed for "Class Humorist:" "Mr. President, do you want to hear a joke? some real wit and humor? Draw nigh and look in this Visage beside me. If you can look in that face and not laugh, you're not human. But I would not have you dwell on appearances, look inside and you'l1 laugh worse, for I have heard' the driest humor and dampest wit issue from that vacuum that ever exuded from mortal man. He has an excuse, it's himself. I nominate Totten." "Verily, Mr. President, I have the man, the man who always smiles, who sits in Dr. Ranko's class and smiles, who flunks and smiles, who shines and smiles. 'Why does he smile?' Because he's humorous. Truly he is. He doesn't mean it. Only he can't help it. He starts, he stops, he begins again, and then halts, all in such a delightful manner that he eventually accepts an invitation to sit down-all of which is supposed to be very humorous. Dr. Ranko says so any- how. I nominate Moffat. A long silence follows. Barker fails to declare nominations closed, for hc has received a significant look from one who now moves stealthily across the room. He stops, speaks a word. A well-known form arises and says: "Men, I need not make a speech, I never did. Moreover, I haven't had the time, but my conscience could not now let me sit still without nominating thc greatest humorist the broad expanse of heaven has ever overshadowed-ahem! I nominate E. H. Carhartf' Nominations were called for as to who would be the "First Man to Get Married." In the midst of a hubbub of voices, the calm and sedate Lugar arises and speaks. "We arc now prophesying, we are on dangerous ground. Yet we have a man in this class whose entrance into the sphere of matrimony is undoubtedly soon. First he needs tl1e money. Then stunning in appearance, manly in strut, stout in heart, mind, and soul, he exists as the precious gem which entrances all the fair. Rumor hath it that even now he is being carefully drawn under the protecting wing of the queen of queens. It gives me extreme pleasure and honor to nominate Bob McCorkle." "Mr. President, poetry proves that Ichabod Crane got married. What can be more true than poetry? I want to nominate a man who ought to be in poetry. He had as much right there as Ichabod, and his chances of getting married are better. Take it from me, I know, I've seen him in action. I nominate Salmon." "Mr. President, I nominate a man who has been all over this land. He has lived in lands of pretty girls and lands of otherwise and is qualified best to pick one out. Don't think because you never saw him in action in Easton that he can't act. Easton 'ain't got no good ones any- way' saith he. He 'can tell you where he has been, but not where he hasn't, and those girls he saw, met, and so forth prove to us not only the advantages of travel, but also the near approach of matrimony for my nominee is Johnnie Knight." Upon nominations being opened for the "Worst liusser in the Class," the Allentown-Dutch voice of Fegley is heard clamoring for the floor: "Mr, President, I'm not an Irishman, nor the son of an Irishman, but I've seen an Irishman, and what's more, I've seen one in action and that action was fussing. He goes to church on Sunday and fills a little book with duties which he fulfils during the week. There's a reason: it's Ireland and Irish, the brogue does haf some effect on ladies, and I think it's the Irish way which takes. .I may be a dumb Dutchman, but I belief in giving the Irishman what's coming. I nominate Paul." "Mr. President, 1ny nominee is a brunette but that isn't his fault. He's from Easton, nor is H 303

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for the close.1 Time fails me to adequately extol the virtues of my candidate 3 words fail me to adequately describe the propensities of such an omni-individual, threatening looks are not failing. Hence I close, and nominate Edmund Carhart. It were well to be so." Nominations were quickly opened for the "Most Successful Bluffer in the Class." Immediately "Johnnie" Green arises and surprises all by his attempt at aspeech, the details of which we cannot here give especially since we know what's coming next. Suffice to say the loquacious, intelligent looking Killough was placed in nomination. Totten, the only man left who had the nerve to try a speech arose and spoke: "Mr, President, I have recently had a private interview with my nominee who has very laboriously favored me with details of his autobiography. Any words, or any thought, or any deed which you cannot credit to my brain, credit him with suggesting it. I believe, however, that there is no office, which the class has power to bestow, which fits the estimable, worthy, well-beloved, voluble, self-abnegatory creature whom I am honored in nominating, more than this one. Likewise, I am sure, there is no one living or enrolled on the shining records of history more worthy and naturally more adapted to fill this office than this same man. Regardless of how your suffrages may deem other offices fit to be filled, you may be sure that, by electing my illustrious nominee to this envied honor, at least one office will be filled most satisfactorily and efficiently, and at least one soul will go out of this room elated and happy to have accomplished his life's purpose. Born a natural bluffcr and disscmbler, he has assiduously, if not aeidulously, practiced and strengthened himself in the noble and virtuous qualities with which nature seems to have so munificently blessed him. At the age of three this precocious youth began a voluminous work in six volumes on 'self-advertisementf such a eompendious undertaking that it was not com- pleted ttntil his seventh birthday. So complete a work by so well-known authority on his subject was, as you all know, hailed with more joy than any publication since 'Three Weeks.' It has been translated into 42 languages besides Wilkesbarre and has been a source of great pleasure to the paper manufacturers. Many other works followed, each creating a furore greater than t11e last. Every known subject is discussed by him, not based on any exact and scientific knowledge but purely and simply on his innate ability of blufliug and his unsurmountablc nerve. To throw away this chance of electing such a character and, at the same time, to thus proclaim our own skilful insight, is to subject ourselves to a punishment befitting those who shirk their duty, nay our privilege. Do not show yourselves so lacking in the power of discernment that you may make an error like one of the past illustrious faculty members of the English department, and call him a 'budding genius,' but show your wisdom and characterize him as a 'buddcd bluffer.' I nominate Thomas Wayne Trembath, ILS." The speaker sat down. Only the heavy breathing of some and voeiferous snoring of others was audible. Barker awoke with a start at the sound "nominate" From a rear corner, a sleepy voice as if in a dream murmurs: "Therefore, I nominate Carhartf' With these the nominations cease, and with the sound of Barker's bellowing voice all woke up to find him raving in his usual manner. " ........ hope you are awake to the full responsibility which has devolved upon you. More decisions are before you for your best consideration than ever rested upon shoulders so young and old. Bc equal to the task! Be honest men! Let your worthy President be an ex- ample to you. Now recall, I, 1 am a candidate for every office, and I alone am entitled to more than one vote for each office. I alone may stuff the ballot box." 305

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