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Page 309 text:
and depart without it. More have I seen, more could I tell, but it is needless. I nominate Mr.
Mason. I have done."
"Nominations are now open for 'Worst Knockcr in the Class.' " '
"Mr. President, I am going to nominate a man who has done more knocking than any seven
men you can put up. He can knock a prof. for being too easy and teaching nothing in the same
breath that he condemns long lessons. He can see no use in taking a cinch course, and he's a
Latin Scig he condemns Techs and is sorry he isn't a technical. Such a one is a typical knockcr.
He has all the inconsistent characteristics of a born knoeker, and gets them ofi in language
qualified to startle the inhabitants of Hades. I nominate Andy Young."
"Mr. President, the man I am going to nominate has already been nominated by himself.
But for this illustrious honor, I can see no one more qualified than our distinguished President,
Mr. Barker. lliarker goes through the mental maneuver of taking note of the speakcr.1 He
has knocked and threatened, boldly, all of us, in our presence as well as behind our backsg and he
is yet alive. How can we better show our appreciation of his ability as the prime knoeker than
unanimously electing him?"
"Mr. President, I move nominations be closed!"
"Second the motion!"
The question was put and remarks called for. Reiser gets up and protests: "See here,
what's this game you're tryin' to pull ofi? This is too open-faced to try to close the nominations
with good men waiting to be nominated. Moreover, Carhart has not yet been nominated. Where
are your eyes and ears?" He sits down with threatening mien, and the motion was lost Cnot
one vote in its favorj. Reiser then nominated Carhart, and peace was restored.
Nominations for "Best Athlete" followed:
"Mr. Chairman, I want to ........ "
"You're out of order," yelled Barker indignantly, "I am not chairman of this place, I'm
president, and I want it distinctly understood that you show proper respect to my position or
I'1l rule all your nominations out and declare myself elected."
CMeeklyj "Mr, President, I beg your pardon, and humbly beseech you that I may nominate
a man. I was so anxious to nominate him, I really forgot myself. Please forgive me, I didn't
mean anythingj I only wanted to nominate Jonathan Knight."
Barker actually shows signs of distress, but masters himself and gruliiy calls for more nomina-
"Mr. President, I want to nominate a man who deserves his office because they didn't send
him to the Olympic games. He ought to be there. We might have won the Marathon then.
We might show the American people that we at least have some common sense, and are able to
pick an athlete when we see one. You have all seen him run the two-mile, what Hereulean
shoulders! what massive thighs! and yet what graceful form. Forgive me, I am going to nom-
inate Abraham Segal."
"Mr. President, I have a nominee to put before you. He is a remarkable man, He has
been nominated before, but is surely more adapted to this than any. Have you ever seen him
in gym? Did you ever notice the envious eyes of Bruce upon his manly physique? Why I
tell you I saw Thorpe turn around and look at him as he passed, and then slink away ashamed of
himself. He is a modest man, and does not project himself upon the public eye. Naturally
then, he can look with disdainful eye upon you all. My man is Sir Edmund Carhartf'
Page 308 text:
I "Mr, President, I nominate a man. I am not going to make a speech. It isn't necessary.
I nominate a man who promises to be future Mayor of Chinatown. I nominate Mr. Cleaver,
and I ask who and what ofiiee can be more promising?"
"The office of president of the W. C. T. U. and H. H. Hiestand whom I nominate," co1nes
Barker-"I merely want to remind the class that I am a candidate for all these oflices.
Kindly note that fact in your cogitations. Nominations are now open for the 'Best Student! "
"Mr, President, I consider the best student that man who can make up the loudest and most
emphatic argument, backed up by physical abilities, as well as mental. His voice may sound
hollow, you may think his head is a resonance box, but remember that in that eranium there is
room for much, and it will be there, if it isn't there now, and after all we are voting for the future.
I nominate Bender."
"Mr. President, I remonstrate, we vote in the present. You know a hollow object can be
cracked sooner than a solid one fBcnder gets aroused and tries to start something, but is
finally calmedj and this man may be dead sooner than the intelligence may see fit to enter.
Why if it would get there, there would be so much room and comfort, it would fall asleep. Now
the man I am going to nominate has a hard one, solid, and I will match it against any head. I
nominate Charlie Morgan."
"Mr. President, it seems to me that the point at issue is lost in the two former speeches.
Now what is a student? a matter of whether a block of wood is hollow or solid? or rather a matter
of who can get through college on less work? You call a man a student 'cause he works hard.
He has to if he has a hollow or solid head. I call a man a student when he docsn't work hard,
for in that case he has a head, neither hollow nor solid, but wax, one who lets knowledge do the
work, works on his head which like wax retains the impress. Such a head has my nominee, such
a student is hc, the only real student, Mr. Taggart."
"Nominations are now open for the 'Most Hopeless Student."'
"I want to nominate a man who is always studying, one who has never been known to do
else. He was in Lafayette, he left, he came back, and is here. He will remain here until he
becomes so hopeless as to fail and get kicked out. That will perhaps be soon. Therefore vote
for the right man while you have a chance and show your kee11 insight. Why what this man
don't know isn't worth knowing. He knows anything in any book on any subject. If you
don't believe it, ask him! With such a knowledge as this, and such a consciousness of it, how
could he be so true to himself and his egotistical opinions as to be a student, for that would pre-
sume that he could learn something, which is manifestly impossible. I nominate Robbinf' -
"Mr. President, I nominate a shark as ignorant guys define a shark. I define a shark as a
hopeless student, therefore it follows that if I nominate a shark I got the right man. That's
logic, that's a syllogism. If you don't believe it, ask Barker. My man is more than that, he's
a chemist, and worse yet he rooms above the chapel. Ye immortalsl What more do you want?
A shark, contemptible! a chemist, disgusting! rooming above chapel, despicable! Summation
results hopelessly. I nominate Chester Peck."
"Mr. President, Have you ever seen Mason spring a bluff? I actually saw him fail to bluff
a subject about which he knew nothing. Hopeless! Moreover, I saw him fail to start an argu-
ment with a prof. when it meant his salvation. Moreover, I saw him at a loss to ask questions
so as to take up time. And then too I have seen him enter a classroom with a look of intelligence
Page 310 text:
Nominations followed for "Class Humorist:"
"Mr. President, do you want to hear a joke? some real wit and humor? Draw nigh and
look in this Visage beside me. If you can look in that face and not laugh, you're not human.
But I would not have you dwell on appearances, look inside and you'l1 laugh worse, for I have
heard' the driest humor and dampest wit issue from that vacuum that ever exuded from mortal
man. He has an excuse, it's himself. I nominate Totten."
"Verily, Mr. President, I have the man, the man who always smiles, who sits in Dr. Ranko's
class and smiles, who flunks and smiles, who shines and smiles. 'Why does he smile?' Because
he's humorous. Truly he is. He doesn't mean it. Only he can't help it. He starts, he stops,
he begins again, and then halts, all in such a delightful manner that he eventually accepts an
invitation to sit down-all of which is supposed to be very humorous. Dr. Ranko says so any-
how. I nominate Moffat.
A long silence follows. Barker fails to declare nominations closed, for hc has received a
significant look from one who now moves stealthily across the room. He stops, speaks a word.
A well-known form arises and says: "Men, I need not make a speech, I never did. Moreover,
I haven't had the time, but my conscience could not now let me sit still without nominating thc
greatest humorist the broad expanse of heaven has ever overshadowed-ahem! I nominate E.
Nominations were called for as to who would be the "First Man to Get Married."
In the midst of a hubbub of voices, the calm and sedate Lugar arises and speaks. "We
arc now prophesying, we are on dangerous ground. Yet we have a man in this class whose
entrance into the sphere of matrimony is undoubtedly soon. First he needs tl1e money. Then
stunning in appearance, manly in strut, stout in heart, mind, and soul, he exists as the precious
gem which entrances all the fair. Rumor hath it that even now he is being carefully drawn under
the protecting wing of the queen of queens. It gives me extreme pleasure and honor to nominate
"Mr. President, poetry proves that Ichabod Crane got married. What can be more true
than poetry? I want to nominate a man who ought to be in poetry. He had as much right there
as Ichabod, and his chances of getting married are better. Take it from me, I know, I've seen
him in action. I nominate Salmon."
"Mr. President, I nominate a man who has been all over this land. He has lived in lands
of pretty girls and lands of otherwise and is qualified best to pick one out. Don't think because
you never saw him in action in Easton that he can't act. Easton 'ain't got no good ones any-
way' saith he. He 'can tell you where he has been, but not where he hasn't, and those girls he
saw, met, and so forth prove to us not only the advantages of travel, but also the near approach
of matrimony for my nominee is Johnnie Knight."
Upon nominations being opened for the "Worst liusser in the Class," the Allentown-Dutch
voice of Fegley is heard clamoring for the floor: "Mr, President, I'm not an Irishman, nor the
son of an Irishman, but I've seen an Irishman, and what's more, I've seen one in action and that
action was fussing. He goes to church on Sunday and fills a little book with duties which he
fulfils during the week. There's a reason: it's Ireland and Irish, the brogue does haf some effect
on ladies, and I think it's the Irish way which takes. .I may be a dumb Dutchman, but I belief
in giving the Irishman what's coming. I nominate Paul."
"Mr. President, 1ny nominee is a brunette but that isn't his fault. He's from Easton, nor is
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