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Page 307 text:
Naturally nominations ceased immediately. They were as soon opened for the "Most Popular
A fight for the floor results in all being subdued by the loquacious, fluent, never-to-stop-
talking Trembath-"Mr. President, I nominate a man who was in his Freshman year the most
popular Freshman among tl1e Sophomores, who in his Sophomore year was the most popular
man with the faculty, who in his junior year is the most popular man among the polers, who in
his Senior year will be the most popular man with the ladies, who when he goes out in the world
will be the most popular man in this glorious republic, who will attain the most popular offices,
who, when he dies, will be the most popular in his grave. Further it behooves me not to speak,
for my nominee, Mr. Totten, is surely ...,............ "
Here Andy Young interrupts and speaks while Trembath surprises all by stopping
to take a breath-"Mr. President, I want to nominate a man who roomed with me for some time.
He has surely been seen around this campus some, and as for popularity, I like to know who has
anything on him. Why he alone has been known to be most popular among many, he's the man
that put popular in popular, in other words he put it all there. Who's more popular either in the
cold, ungrateful regions of this world, or in the warm embrace of the other? Ahem. My nominee
Barker is about to close nominations when a shrill voice from the rear says: "Hold on there.
I came here to nominate the manwho has caused others to get all the popularity they have.
Show your gratitude for him. Look what he has done for the class, what money he has spent
to get this-I mean to elevate the honor of the class. Think not, vain voters, that you are
bestowing an honor on him by electing him. Nay, nay, you are but giving him his due, and
can by merely doing your duty honor and enrich lsignilicantlyl yourselves and your class. I
nominate Mr. Moore."
Nominations are now opened for the "Most Popular Professorf' Techs and others scrap for
the floor, Barker recognizes a classical-"Mr. President, we have here a professor who has not long
been with us, but who has been making up his short time in length of his lessons, under him we
have covered more ground than under any other prof. in college. He always has the best interests
of his students at heart Cif you have him, you won't go down town and waste your timej. He will
always invite you to sit down so courteously when you fiunk, that you will never flunk again.
He will encourage you, when you hesitate, in such a beautiful and touching manner that you
will be ashamed to hesitate next time. He will always give you such a generous mark for a per-
fect recitation that you are inspired to do your utmost. He .,...... but I need say no more.
You all know the justice of my remarks. I therefore nominate Dr. Rankof'
No one ventures to nominate a man in opposition and so nominations are opened for the
"Most Promising Man" in the class.
"Mr. President, I nominate a man, who has made more promises this day than any man in
this land. He not only makes promises, but fulfils them. I am now smoking a cigar as a
material proof of this statement." Barker then informed the nominator that his conception of
promising is the wrong one. "No, it isn't the wrong one, for I was going to say that the man
who says he is going to do all this and actually does it, is the most promising man in the political
sphere that has graced and illumined this fair land of ours since the time of the immortals. Why,
men, just you rest assured that Mr. Kilo, whom I nominate, is the most remarkable genius, that
promises to be, in the manipulation of the intricacy of the reigns of governments. I have done."
Page 306 text:
1 9 1 4 Bestows Honors
Time-Christmas afternoon tclass having ren1ained over to attend "morning prayers"j.
Personnel-William DeWitt Barker, W.I.N.D.Y., presiding, and members of class of 1914.
Scene-Class in legislative session 5 candidates distributing cigars, bosses lining up their men,
enter Carhart and the meeting opens.
Barker-"Gentlemen, we are here assembled first to cogitate lcheersj, to cogitate seriously
fapplauselg then with a full knowledge and a clear conscience, to fulfil our sacred duty and obli-
gations to worthy members of IQI4, by intelligently nominating and voting for the men most
qualihed for and deserving of the high honor which your suflrages are destined to bestow upon
them as a lasting memorial of fame throughout their mortal existence on this planet. Your
vote may mean life or death to a nominee fgroanslg an eternal mcmcnto of his high standard of
attainment in one of the most illustrious classes which Lafayette will ever graduate, or a lasting
blot which may condemn him to ignominy, mar his happiness, and drive him to an immature
grave. lTrembath stops talking, Holbcrt weeps.1 You are about to send their names down to
posterity as the most worthy representatives of a most honorable class for the respective
positions to which your suffrages shall exalt them. Then vote with a patriotic sense of the con-
sciousness of the omnipotent responsibility which has descended upon your most competent
lhe's seeking votesl and all-wise patesg pray for the strength and guidance of almighty and
unseen powers to help youg deliberate and cogitate carefully before you vote, eradicate and emanci-
pate yourself from all pernicious influences when you vote, and finally and above all remember
fpauses dramatically, then continuesl that, though not nominated for all positions, your most
honorable and esteemed President tthat's mej by virtue of the pinnacle of my position as prime
officer of this class, am considered as a candidate for any and all honors, and further that I am
the only one, free enough from the contamination of politics, to be entitled to vote for myself."
ll-Iiestand applauds loudly, and class wakes up.l
' , "Nominations are now open for the 'Handsomest Man in the Class' l'
sg Some one speaks-"Mr. President, I desire to nominate a man whose appollonie beauty,
mercuric swiftness, inimitable grace, and all-round classic bearing entitles him to this most
signal of honors. I nominate Mr. Carhartf' fCarhart slips him a cigar.j
"Mr. President, I nominate a man wl1o came as a Lochinvar out of the west. He came
with the bloom of roses on his cheeks, and all the strenuous activities of an active college life have
failed to remove them. His manly physique is the admiration of all, and this head worthy of
the crown of Bacchus surely entitles him to this honor. I nominate Bergen."
"Mr. President, what meaneth this? Where are your eyes? I nominate a man who came
as a man from Palm, Pa. He alone is destined to win the golden apples as a trophy of his manly
bearing and handsome features. He alone is entitled to walk across this campus thus signally
honored by us, for it were a bold-faced paradox to vote differently. Therefore I nominate
Horace Kratz Hiestandf'
Page 308 text:
I "Mr, President, I nominate a man. I am not going to make a speech. It isn't necessary.
I nominate a man who promises to be future Mayor of Chinatown. I nominate Mr. Cleaver,
and I ask who and what ofiiee can be more promising?"
"The office of president of the W. C. T. U. and H. H. Hiestand whom I nominate," co1nes
Barker-"I merely want to remind the class that I am a candidate for all these oflices.
Kindly note that fact in your cogitations. Nominations are now open for the 'Best Student! "
"Mr, President, I consider the best student that man who can make up the loudest and most
emphatic argument, backed up by physical abilities, as well as mental. His voice may sound
hollow, you may think his head is a resonance box, but remember that in that eranium there is
room for much, and it will be there, if it isn't there now, and after all we are voting for the future.
I nominate Bender."
"Mr. President, I remonstrate, we vote in the present. You know a hollow object can be
cracked sooner than a solid one fBcnder gets aroused and tries to start something, but is
finally calmedj and this man may be dead sooner than the intelligence may see fit to enter.
Why if it would get there, there would be so much room and comfort, it would fall asleep. Now
the man I am going to nominate has a hard one, solid, and I will match it against any head. I
nominate Charlie Morgan."
"Mr. President, it seems to me that the point at issue is lost in the two former speeches.
Now what is a student? a matter of whether a block of wood is hollow or solid? or rather a matter
of who can get through college on less work? You call a man a student 'cause he works hard.
He has to if he has a hollow or solid head. I call a man a student when he docsn't work hard,
for in that case he has a head, neither hollow nor solid, but wax, one who lets knowledge do the
work, works on his head which like wax retains the impress. Such a head has my nominee, such
a student is hc, the only real student, Mr. Taggart."
"Nominations are now open for the 'Most Hopeless Student."'
"I want to nominate a man who is always studying, one who has never been known to do
else. He was in Lafayette, he left, he came back, and is here. He will remain here until he
becomes so hopeless as to fail and get kicked out. That will perhaps be soon. Therefore vote
for the right man while you have a chance and show your kee11 insight. Why what this man
don't know isn't worth knowing. He knows anything in any book on any subject. If you
don't believe it, ask him! With such a knowledge as this, and such a consciousness of it, how
could he be so true to himself and his egotistical opinions as to be a student, for that would pre-
sume that he could learn something, which is manifestly impossible. I nominate Robbinf' -
"Mr. President, I nominate a shark as ignorant guys define a shark. I define a shark as a
hopeless student, therefore it follows that if I nominate a shark I got the right man. That's
logic, that's a syllogism. If you don't believe it, ask Barker. My man is more than that, he's
a chemist, and worse yet he rooms above the chapel. Ye immortalsl What more do you want?
A shark, contemptible! a chemist, disgusting! rooming above chapel, despicable! Summation
results hopelessly. I nominate Chester Peck."
"Mr. President, Have you ever seen Mason spring a bluff? I actually saw him fail to bluff
a subject about which he knew nothing. Hopeless! Moreover, I saw him fail to start an argu-
ment with a prof. when it meant his salvation. Moreover, I saw him at a loss to ask questions
so as to take up time. And then too I have seen him enter a classroom with a look of intelligence
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