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Page 16 text:
Vol No. June 15, 1956 Berkeley Priceless f i Primary Election Coming Up Soon It will be a fight to the finish for sure, as the three candidates fight it out for the Presidential nomination. Ray Bres- sler still stands unopposed on one ticket, but the Crawfordists and Andersonists are bitterly fighting it out on the other. Senator Tony Horn who has become a great card player, suggested that the states be divided up and each candidate be given an equal amount. Senator Mike Roger, always practical, stated that perhaps the result would be a tie, but he was overruled. Then candidate Crawford accused candidate Anderson of illegally influencing the residents of his states. Anderson promptly fired back that he would not take such an insinuation without proof. The fight came to an open brawl when Crawford disclosed that he had his underground too. Anderson replied that that was a I blow below the belt. He then openly declared war on Crawford. Crawford told Anderson that this was unconsti- tutional and was backed by Mr. Knud- son. Anderson ignored the comment and told Crawford to name the weapons. Crawford chose jellybeans on roller skates at fort} - paces. Anderson accep- ted and the big day arrived. The jelly beans were lined up and both candidates i were warming up. All at once Supreme Court Judge Michael Tuft arrived and announced that the whole business was unconstitutional and besides all the peo- ple in New York were moving into Rhode Island. So Crawford and An- derson shook hands and postponed the duel till another day. FLASH! A Red Hot Exclusive By Linnie Bock The great Algebra Haters Club formed back in ' 56 is going to have a huge reunion at Miss Sue Wight ' s house. For many years now the mem- bers have been busily collecting all the algebra books in circulation. They have robbed the libraries, plundered the schools, and even robbed the Algebra Teachers ' Rest Home. At the reunion, a grand prize of an atttomatic cosmic ray pencil will be presented to the per- son who has collected the most books. We have heard rumors that John B. Richards and Margie Anderson have a very good chance. After the ceremony Ken Revzan will prepare a gigantic bonfire and Sylvia Le Page will light it. Then all the members will have a wild time throwing in the books and eating yami yogart and oatmeal mush topped with olives. There will be some special awards called a.- given to the best algebra haters for outstanding courage and bravery- Our underground secret serv- ice, the Worm Patrol. informs us that Sally George. Liz Wohletz, Rob Cassel- Vrry. and Fred Fitzgerald are to receive rewards. Famous Scientist Disproves Own Theory We are sorry to inform you that the discovery made by the noted scientist John GhiseUi has been disproved today, and by none other than the man him- self. Mr. Ghiselli had evolved a scheme whereby he could view the inhabitants of Mars with his powerful telescope. He described them as being a sort of blue-black all over with 6 legs and sev- eral pairs of beady red eyeballs. They were very clever, said Ghiselli, and they could walk up the side of a building quite easily. The scientist and his assistant. Win Wang, were both excited and spent almost two hours with the reporters, Richard Von Bargon, Mike Franc ' sco. Alexander Guthrie. A little later Mr. Ghiselli was cleaning his equipment and he was dis- mayed to find that there was a common black and on the end of the telescope, and he had just been looking at the and magnified umpteen times. The scientist is now in a state of mental shock and will spend a lot of time at the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Dr. Ralph Young says that Ghiselli ' s case is a rather acute one, but we are confident that he will recover. ADVICE TO LOVELORN BY MONI GATEWOOD Q. — I ' m going steady with the cap- tain of the football team but I ' m afraid he doesn ' t like me. He spends more time with his football than he does with me. — Betty Strathman A. — I suggest that since he is so disloy- al, you better break up with him. When you do, please let me know. Q. — My husband beats me everv night. What shall I do? — Lois Ulvang A. — Stop gambling with him. Q. — I ' m in love with the man up the street and the man down the street is in love with me, and my sister is in love with him. — Valerie Machek A. — Take an alka-seltzer. If that doesn ' t work, you ' ll have to commit suicide. OLYMPICS AT PAPOOSE GORGE 1976 Winter Olympics were held re- cently. They were a crowning success. The Russian ream, who were runners- up in the toboggan race, happily crowned the USA ' s team with their to- boggan. Wishing to be fair and square, the USA ' s team crowned them back. It was proposed that they shake hands af- terward, but as none of the team members was in condition to do so, it was post- poned. The team : Larry McDonough, Pat McLaughlin. Alexis erhoogen, Randv Cramer, will be spending a little time (about 9 months) in the hospital, but thev have nothing on the toboggan sleds. All that is left is a heap of splinters. This is most alarming because, said Prof. Ro- land Yourd today, We can ' t even tell which are Russian splinters and which are ours ! One of the most daring spectacular events was the ski jump in which Lin- nie Bock took first place. She said to- day that the reason for her exceptional speed was that she used to jump off Marin Ave. so as not to be late for school. When told that she has made a record of one minute flat, she remarked that she must be getting rusty: she could never have gotten upstairs before the second bell. The second skier out was really the most graceful. He soared way out over the slope, like a bird, remarked Charlene Akers. a bystander. Unfortunately, it was discovered that Miss Akers was right. Bill Ambrose ' s shoelace came untied and he tripped before he got out the gate. He was allowed another chance and had his other shoe lace not come untied, he might have won the cup. Bill has now enrolled for a course in shoe lace tying at the Garfield Xursery School. What Are You? First Initial Last Initial A- -Adorable Adolescent B -Bothersome Behoper C- -Cute Cat D- -Dopey Doll E— -Enthusiastic Egotist F- -Fat Fool G- -Gruesome Gangster H- -Horrible Hepcat I- —Ignorant Icicle J- -Jolly Juvenile K- -Kissable Kangaroo -Likeable Lunkhead M -Mad Monster -Xosey Nuisance O- -Obnoxious Oyster P- -Prettv Prisoner -Quiet Quack R— -Romantic Rogue S- -Sneaky Stinker T- -Timid Tiger U- -Unseen Umpire V- -Variable Valentine W- -Witty Watermelon X- -Xenomorphic Xylophonist Y- -Young Yankee Z- -Zealous Zaney By : Clarence Goon UNCLE BUNKER ' S GAME CORNER ( Panel of experts : Derril Smith, Wallj Sykes. Kathie Popov. Barbara Stross.) Directions : Just by changing the word slightlv. see if vou can make the evo- lution from GAZETTE to CHI- CAGO. GAZETTE TV SCHEDULE 8:00 — John B. Richards spotlights the news 8:30 — Toby Clark turns the house lights on 9:00 — Breakfast in Bed with Dale Carter 9 :30 — Does Duz Love Dove, with Sobs Sanger 10:00 — Bing Gong Firehouse, with Priscilla 10:30— Old Mudder Jones, with Wendy Jones 11:00— The Wyoming Wetherell Show 11:30 — Samuel Q. Lewis 12 :00 — Bust the Pig, with Gordon Get rich quick Fawkes 12 :30 — Guiding Spite, with Grudgey Gayer 1 :00 — Galpin and Canham Show — Sensation of Modern Scream I :30 — Laff Time — half hour of re- covery from G. and C. show. 2:00 — The Big Pate Off— execu- tioner. Bloody Backus 2:30 — Ince Upon a Time, with Dickie the Pooh 3 :00 — Johnson Quartet — Diane. Jane, John. Trina 3 :30 — Arthur Godthix with all the little Godthixeths : Keaster, Veronica. Hollace. Marilou 4 :00 — Western John Marshal 4:30 — Shari Evans Show — excitin? new discovery in the vocal world 5 :00 — Mooney Moonitz show 5 :30 — Moonev Moonitz show (Hog!) 6:00 — Tasumi tells the time with Miyasaki to wind the clock 6: ? 0 — fh ' xsteffield news with Doug M. Felders 7 :00 — Hopalong Hischier 7 :30 — Choke Time with Bob Fouke. his bare hands and a shovel 8:00 — U.S. Rubber Hour, with Spitwad Romascan and Miss Riley 8:30— Mr. and Mrs. West 9 :00 — I Love Launi 9:30 — Boxing — Jeff Kenway and Dave Bowman 10 :00 — Limberger Theater with Re- gan Hess and a clothespin 10:30 — Ivey Theater with Diane Ichiyasu II :00 — The Pot and the Kittel — presented bv Proctor and Gold Co. 11 :30 — Late Show 12:00 — Late, Late Show 12:30 — Late, Late, Late Show 1 :00 — Early, Early Morning Show Editor of this Garfield Gaz ette Linda Lovejoy CHICAGO Hints for Modern Homemakers It is most economical to sell vour house in March and buv it back in Mav. — Gary Debell. Bartlett Hills, Hollywood. Calif. If you put bricks on the children ' s heads, they won ' t grow so fast. — Adrienne Kimura, Kookamooga (or is it Kookamagoo ?) If you like to read in the bathtub, it is best not to put any water in the tub. — Jim Baylor. Poker Flats. It is best to be insured when the house burns down. — Robin Paxton, Hernando ' s Hideaway. If you want to find out whether your guppies are boys or girls, here is a foolproof method. Just add a little sodium hydroxide to the water. Then if he floats to the top, he is a boy, and if she floats to the top, she is a girl. — Lois Talbott, Davy Jones ' Locker. Don ' t take no wooden Nicoles ! — Marsha Atkinson, Oilwell, Oklahoma.
Page 15 text:
WHITE, ELIZABETH Born: Berkeley Activities: Noon Leagues, Stu- dent Leader, Track Noted for: Not digging Al- gebra Ambition: First girl to attend Notre Dame WILDERSON, LARRY Born: Oakland Activities: Boys ' Glee Noted for: Worst student in in Garfield Ambition: To get a car WISEMAN, PAT Born: Oakland Activities: Drama, Student Leader, Noon Leagues, At- tendance helper, Ninth Grade Music, Shows, Cheer Leader, Student Council Noted for: Talking too much Ambition: To stop talking WOODWORTH, HARRY Born: Honolulu, Hawaii Activities: Golf Club, Noon Leagues, Student Leader, Basketball Noted for: Falling asleep in Van ' s class Ambition: Engineer YOUNG, DONALD Born: Portugal Activities: Boys ' Glee Noted for: Getting in trouble Ambition: To get out of school real quick-like WICKLIFFE, LYNN Born: Oakland Activities: Ninth Grade Mu- sic, Shows Noted for: Sun bleached hair! Ambition: To sink the Sea Hawk WILLIAMS-FOOTE, SUSAN Born: Berkeley Activities: Girls ' Glee, Stu- dent Leader, Office helper, Attendance helper, Shows, Track, Noon Leagues, Drama Noted for: Trying to keep her figure (????) Ambition: To be the first Girl Water-boys on the Cal football team with Jane, Sally, Liz, Joyce, and Pam WOHLETZ, ELIZABETH Born: Berkeley Activities: Girls ' Glee, Block G, Track, Softball, Vol- leyball, Noon Leagues, Shows, Student Leader, Gleaner Art Staff Noted for: Purple Cow Ambition: To be the first Girl Water-boys on the Cal team with, Suzie, Jane, Sally, Joyce, and Pam WRIGHT, SALLY Born: San Francisco Activities: Secretary, Student Leader, Student Council, Ninth Grade Music, Girls ' Glee, Counselors ' helper, Track, Office helper, Test Assistant, Shows, Noon Leagues Noted for: Her glasses Ambition: To help Lindi change Sea Scouts to Mon- day nights YOUNG, RALPH Born: Berkeley Activities: Library helper, Band, Orchestra Noted for: His brief-case Ambition: To be in the Gleaner WIGHT, SUE Born: San Diego Activities: Student Leader, Office helper, Red Cross President, Student Council, Girls ' Glee, Shows, Basket- ball, Track, Noon Leagues, Ninth Grade Music Noted for: Tex Ambition: To be a kindergar- ten or Physical Education teacher in Texas! WINFIELD, JANE Born: Dallas, Texas Activities: Gym helper, Block G, Girls ' Glee, Track, Volleyball, Baseball, Drama, Shows, Ninth Grade Music, Noon Leagues Noted for: Arlen Ambition: To be the first Girl Water-boys on the Texas football team with Susie, Sally, Joyce, Liz, and Pam WOLFARD, LINDA Born: Berkeley Activities: Shows, Gleaner Art Staff, Counselors ' help- er, Library helper Noted for: Lindi Ambition: To help Sally change Sea Scouts to Mon- day nights YAEGER, MARCIA Born: San Jose Activities: Cafeteria Super- visor, Student Leader Noted for: Her horsetail Ambition: To travel YOURD, ROLAND Born: Youngstown, Ohio Activities: Band Noted for: Ron Ambition: Engineer ZAMARONI, CAROL Born: Berkeley Activities: Block G, Girls ' Glee, Ninth Grade Music, Shows, Drama, Student Leader, Noon Leagues, Vol- leyball, Track, Test Assis- tant, Office helper Noted for: All her crazy par- ties Ambition: To own a c-o-o-l Ford convertible and go tooting around with II, 20, and 31 Shortest Tallest dst Rrtistic iJ 1 ' J TlMIDEST InrisT In PISH 1 ' f Qmh r- CUTETSTOMILE Thinnest Interesting •jj Cutest Smartest STATISTICS MOST HILL flCNTZ Tallest: Myra Murray, Larry Crawford Shortest: Dalyn Nelson, Jim Lose Best Athlete: Clarene Goon, Jim Hemphill Best Student: Trina Johnson, Win Wang Most Artistic: Judy Galpin, Don Young Most Versatile: Moni Gatewood, Bill Crawford Most Likely to Succeed: Moni Gatewood. Bill Crawford Wittiest: Patty Canham, Bill Crawford Teachers ' Trial: Phillips Karp, Ken Revzan Cutest Couple: Jane Winfield, Arlen Lee Most Popular: Joyce Burton, Ray Bressler Prettiest Hair: Judy Jastram, Mike Ander- son Friendliest Smile: Lois Ulvang, Conrad Chevez Prettiest Eyes: Diane Frederickson, Larry Lowell Best Figure: Sally Wright, Arlen Lee Best All Around Personality: Pam Kimball, Ray Bressler Best Manners: Judy Jastram, Alexis Ver- hoogan Favorite Food: Johnny ' s Hamburgers Favorite Drink: Coke Best Actor: James Dean Best Actress: Debbie Reynolds Favorite Radio Program: Lucky Lagei Dance Time Favorite Television Program: Mickey Mouse Club Favorite Singers: Sue Kahl, Paul Nielsen Favorite Song: Angels in the Sky Favorite Sport: Skiing Favorite Movie: Rebel Without a Cause Favorite Pastime: Opposite Sex 13
Page 17 text:
THE GARFIELD GAZETTE Page 2 GAZETTE Last night a singular event occurred, one which had reverberations all over the country: the cast of the H. M. S Pinafore reuned for a grand perform- ance of their operetta. Just for color, the setting was the old Garfield Audi- torium, which was used for the original performance. The house was packed ; there were three men hanging from the balcony rail by their suspenders. Mrs. Kressman didn ' t look a day older ; she could tickle the ivories just as fast or faster than her former students remem- bered. When the gold curtain drew back, there they were : the sailors in their blue jerkins, complete with long black sideburns. Mari Erickson at last had found a pair of ducks that fit her. The captain was exactly the same as the cast remembered, except that he lost the cat of nine tails and had to use one of Sir Joseph ' s shoulder deco- rations. Sir Joseph didn ' t mind, it kept falling off anyway. Buttercup looked so much like Buttercup that Buttercup almost fooled Buttercup herself. Even Deadeye was more triangular than usual. Ralph Rackstraw was still a highbrow Englishman, but when Jose- phine ' s parasol collapsed in the middle of Act II, there was a scene behind it that the audience missed. Josephine really outdid herself, though, and as her lovely voice floated across the foot- lights, it was suddenly May, 1956, and the cast was 9th graders again. By the time the final curtain came down, the audience was hoarse with cheering. Mrs. Kressman was radiant with ex- citement. She said she was having the time of her life. The cast promised to reune again in 1996 (?) CLASSIFIED SECTION WANTED — Geni us by the name of Ray Ozenberger. Am flunking Al- gebra and need your help. Must have the name of Ray Ozenberger. Can be contacted in 101 at all times. WANTED— Three baby alligators for a lonely mother. Contact Teddy Papenfuss, 1, the Swamp. LOST — Black and white polka dotted cat. Very gentle household pet. Re- ward. Lynn Wycliffe, Mountaintop, Tennessee FOUND— Lost chord. FOR SALE— Collie pups. Thorough- bred parents. 3 of them. Margaret Neubacher, Pet Pound FOUND — Small leopard. Left on the corner of Shattuck and Vine. Never mind a reward. You can ' t replace a hand anyway. Jim Lose, Ward 2, Bed 26. LOST— chord. LOST — a green alligator wallet con- taining 3 pennies, a bus transfer, a library card (no. 34607128), a social security card (no. 100024) and two theater stubs. If you find it, discard it. Bob Enslin, 1100 Skid Row. FOR SALE — everything I own. Come down for the big auction. Have to leave immediately. Carold Stevens, Death Row, San Quentin. FOR SALE — a house on the tracks ; inquire soon. House will be gone in 20 minutes. Liz White, Faulty Co. WANTED — set of teeth. Have some old ones to trade in on the new ones. Mr. Van, Algebra Teachers ' Rest Home. Which twin was washed in Foamie and which one in an ordinary washday detergent ? Guess — Bev Opdyke of New Amster- dam guessed the right one. Answer — No, I ' m sorry, it is the left one. You lose the $1,000,000, but you get a 50 year ' s supply of Foamie, any- way. Extra! Great Scientist, Val Duel, Discovers How Sound Barrier Came to Be CRASH! It was the fourth time the wall- of Jupiter ' s domain cracked and tumbled to the ground. Yes, it was that unruly God of Noise, Clatterus, sounding off again. The vibrant sound waves shook all of Mt. Olympus. It was then that Jupiter, king of the ' gods, knew that he must put a stop to this ear-splitting, wall-cracking din. When Clatterus called a mere, Hey, Jupe! women ' s dresses blew flat against them, the earth trembled, and walls fell down to the earth. Jupiter pondered and pondered over his problem, even losing three nights of sleep. Finally the thought struck him ! Why not build an invisible wall, so strong that even the tremendous vibra- tions of Clatterus ' hullabaloo could not pierce its invincible foundation? The wall was constructed, and Clatterus was grounded down to earth where he could holler all he wanted to without creating a major earthquake. And even to this day, the sound barrier of Jupi- ter ' s still exists. But now, Jupiter is faced with another problem : jet planes. Every now and then the walls of his home crack and tumble to the ground ! And who knows? Someday he will de- vise a way to outsmart the modern sound-barrier-breakers ! Problems of the Day As summer is coming on and since the Vsummer = swimming2, we decided to have something appropriate in this column. Here it is : If a swimming pool holds 23,000 gallons of water and has 3 pipes, one filling and two emptying, how many lily pads are there in the deep end? For the more intelligent genius, we included a slightly more advanced prob- lem : A swimming pool is 30 ft. by 60 ft., and it holds 45,000 gallons. There are 3,857,291 tiles on the bottom. There is one pipe to empty and one to fill. Both are rusty and full of holes. If the diving board is 5 ft. above the water, should you wear a small, medium or large cap in the pool? ANSWER: Some of the steps may seem a little remote to you, but we assure you, there is no other way. GAZETTER GAZELLE GAYNESS JOYLESS JOURNEY CHIMNEY CHICAGO OLD LADY BOCK ' S GOSSIP COLUMN QUESTION: Is it true that singer Shari Evans wore a kelly green pillbox coat with a blue dress when she drove along Main Street in her crimson red Cadillac on her way to a cocktail party at the Brazilian room where the cook, Johnathon B. Richards of Berkeley, had made a chiffon cake in her honor? ANSWER: I ' m afraid you heard the story the wrong way because I was there at the party and know what really happened. Miss Evans fainted when she ate the blue sponge cake made by Johnathon B. Richards of Berkeley. Then she took some kelly green pills and recovered. Mr. Richards turned crimson red when he discovered that he had made a real blue sponge, due to a few miscalculations in cooking. QUESTION: I heard from private sources that the hockey world champion. Mr. Pat McLaughlin, told Sandy Lewis the secret of his success. He said that he practices hitting the puck with top end of the hockey stick instead of the bottom end. ANSWER: It seems to me that your private sources aren ' t very accurate. Pat McLaughlin is the state-wide baseball champion who plays second base on the Down With Van team. He does practice with the tip of the bat instead of the base, but he uses jaw breakers instead of balls. QUESTION : A friend of mine informed me that Miss Charlene Akers, the best dressed lady in California, got lost in one of her many clothes closets. I believe it was number 18, the Bermuda section. At any rate, she was lost for five days and when found she told authorities that she had existed on pink and blue Bermuda socks. She says they are quite tasty. ANSWER : That ' s about the way I heard it except she did have a Hershey bar with her. I heard that she rolled the socks around it and took very small bites. The other day she served them at a tea at her mansion and I understand that the guests left in quite a rush. QUESTION: I read in True Confessions Magazine that jockey Mike Roger, whom all the horses love, tried to cross the Mohave Desert on his oldest nag called Keitheo. The article said that he failed because his nag kept eating on the way and it was too expensive. Also because of the intense heat Mr. Roger had to con- stantly apply sun lotion and his skin eventually turned lime green. ANSWER: I think you need a little straightening out. For one thing never depend on True Confessions Magazine. My dog knows more than they do. Mike Roger is a movie star who goes riding on his thoroughbred horse, Keitheo. He turned green when some crazy scenery jerks on the set spilled a bucket of lime green paint on him. Once he did make a trip across the Mohave Desert, but by plane. I ' ve heard he likes the stewardesses. QL T ESTION : Is it true that the famous ballerina, Marianna Weiss, accidentally dropped one of the stage lights on one of her fans called Sylvia Lepage. I heard that she got carried away in one of her dances and the audience went wild, causing a stage light to fall off. Then she accidentally dropped it on a screaming fan called Sylvia Lepage. ANSWER : You are very mistaken. Although she is an accomplished ballerina. Miss Weiss is known for her talent as a pianist. In one of her performances a fan called Sylvia Lepage kept begging for one of the piano keys. Miss Weiss very gracefully tossed her one of the red roses off the stage scenery. NOTICE: If you have any interesting tidbits, please sends them to BOCK 123 Whoduyasee Street Berpeley, Gulpafornia BAY AREA MOVIE GUIDE Berkeley The Hilarious Comedy, Hanged (Not Hung) The Hangers — Dave Dickson, Stillson Judah, Bev Opdyke, Bob O ' Sullivan, Arlen Lee The Hanged — Jeff Brown, Mari Erickson, Conrad Chevez, Lindy Wolfard, Jane Winfield (The closet was built specially for this film by Larry Lowell, who bought the closet complete with hangers for his Bartlett Hills Mansion.) Bayville And another Walt Dizzy Adventure, Up in the Air Birdmen — Bob Bennett, Mike Walker, Steve Turner, Harry Dodson Birds — Rosal Baudette, Bill Evans, Reba Short Eggs — Valrie Duel, Clarene Goon, George Bliss, Marcia Jacobson And an added feature — An awful orange ooblick cartoon ! The face of the Grand Canyon has been scaled ! The expedition led by Jim Hemphill and including Myron Artist, John Peel, Danny Leon, Art Andrews, Vic Coffield, was finally successful on the third try. The first time, John Peel, who was carrying the food, laid it down to tie his shoe, and when he looked up, it was back at the bottom of the gorge. The second time they built a fire on a ledge, and the warden, John DeVries, came around and took a shot at them. He pierced the canteen of water, and they had to turn back again. The third try is always the charm, said Jim Hemphill later. They had to hack out each step they took and climb it like a ladder. There is now a ladder up the face of the Grand Canyon, which may be used for future reference. The last evening they found themselves on a sheer face at bedtime. So they hacked out a ledge to sleep on. This ledge took them 3 nights and 2 days, but finally they got to sleep. The climbers had cut out the ledge so artistically that Mike Ongerth pro- claimed it a priceless masterpiece, and it was removed and taken to the Metro- politan Museum of Art (for future reference).
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