Gallery (FFG 26) - Naval Cruise Book

Page 80 text:

DID YOU EVER WONDER ... how one might compare a deployment to civilian life? Read on ... 1. Wlwn commencing this simulation, remem- ber to lock yourself inside and board up all win- dows with all friends and family outside, com- municating only with letters that your neigh- bors will hold for two weeks before delivering: losing one out of every five. Have a friend or neighbor yell MAIL CALL! at your door and in four out of five of these say, You didn ' t get anything! when yon answer. 2. Surround yourself with 200 people you don ' t like. People who chainsmoke, fart loudly, snore like a Mack truck on an uphill grade, complain constantly, seldom shower 01 brush their teeth and use expletives in speech — much the way kids use sugar on cold cereal 3. Unplug all radios and televisions to complete- ly cut yourself off from the outside world Have a neighbor bring you TIML or NLWSWLEK from 2 to 3 months ago and a PLAYBOY maga- zine with the pictures cut out 4. Cut a mattress in half, h ngthwise and enclose three sides Add a root that prevents you from sitting in any position at all (10 inches is about right) and place it on a platform at least six feet from the floor. Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmate ' s laundry and sheets Whenever possible, have someone take your pillow or blanket (or both) to simulate that special comaraderie that exists only onboard a U.S. Naval vessel 5. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint all furnishings and walls gray, while or the shade of green found on hospital O.R. smocks. 6. Since you have no doctor, slock up on band- aids, aspirin and Aclifed, which, have been proven to cure every known disease and ailment known to man. 7 Do not flush the toilet(s) for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same commode After thai, flush once daily and pour a quart of pine oil in each commode and toilet to overwhelm the odor. Shower water should be all hot or all cold. When you gel soaped up Isoap on face), have your neighbor shut off all water S. Wear only approved coveralls or proper uni- forms (no special or cutoff t-shirts). Even though nobody seems to care, twice a week clean and press one uniform in the dark on a broken ironing board (or towel on the floor) and wear it for four hours. On your way to change into your coveralls, catch and rip the sleeve of your shirt on a sharp object. Curse and yell, then, wad it up and throw il in your locker — forgot- ten until the next inspection or watch. 9. Cut your hair weekly, making il shorter each tune until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep shearer Have a friend or neighbor tell you to gel a haircut at least once every oilier week, whether you need one or not. 10. Work 18-hour cycles steeping only four hours at a lime to ensure your body doesn ' t know or care if it ' s day-time or night-time. 11. Listen to your favorite cassette six tunes a day for two weeks then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette 12. Set your alarm clock to go off at the snooze interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate alarms of walch-slauders and night crew going off at odd hour limes, waking you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you ' re tossed from side-to-side for the remaining three hours 13. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can giope foi (or use none at all), lo simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as humanly possible. If the food contains more than one pari per thou sand of fiber, dispose of it 14 Prepare yourself an emergency exit that will

Page 79 text:

Limassol, Cyprus AOne of the higher peaks in the PEYIA FOREST. VBAAAA! Cheese or warm milk, anyone? ' .- JUSr A l 7 Bradshaio is wondering why the camera is waaaaay over there?! riw subterranean portion oj the ' ' s IA FOREST. flunks Mi 75

Page 81 text:

require you to evacuate the premises, knowing thai it you exit, the biker gang that you lured will cut of] your arms and legs to simulate sharks Study a first aid book to learn how to handle wounds and control bleeding until you can quote it verbatim. I i Study the owner ' s manual for all the appli- in the dwelling At regular intervals, take one apart and put it back together again. Then. test operate it at the extremes oj it ' s tolerances 16. To make -me you are living in a clean and happy environment , every week, dean from top (0 hot torn, vol king hard all dan even if it if only a three hour job, whenever and as often as possi- ble, repealing you} efforts Then have someone tell you that you missed some dust and the floor looks like crap. When complete, inspect youi work, criticizing everything a- much a- possi- ble. Never he satisfied with good effort. 17 Once a day. put in a video (which you have prepared) to watch a movie thai you walked out on a year ago Then, watch an episode of Char- he - Angels that you didn ' t like the first two times you saw it making sure you pause it just at the peak ot the a tion, SO, you can sweep the floor or listen to someone tell you what mm did today 18. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on when door open-., etc ) If not in use, then log as secured. I ' ' I very three week- , lo -1111111,110 liberty in a foreign port %o out directly 10 the city slums -awning youi best clothes inlet the raunchiest hat you can :nd ami ask the bartender for the most ' he carries. Prink as many oj these, as fast as you can in tour hour- then, lure a tab to take you home by the longest route he can find Tip the cab duvet a :c he charges you double, because, you were dressed funny and lock yourself back in your dwelling tot another three week-. 20. Kim the blender al constant high speed to simulate the , onstant whine of the ship ' s machinery and have the bikei gang you lured, bang on the root and wall- to simulate men working on other level- at all hour- of the night and day 21. Buy the loudest stereo you can Tunc it between channel- on the receiver and have the Inker gang you lured, bang on the tool with -ledge hammer- lo simulate launching ami t, overing the helo 22. To achieve the permanent, smelly, gray, dingy look in your clothes, have the plumber connect the washer to sewer line- and throw clothing in a dark anticr for two diiy- before drying 23 This -limitation inu-l run for a minimum ot -n months to be effective. The exact dale t ' t the end ot the simulation will be changed no fewei than seven lime- without your knowledge. This 1- done tit keep you guessing a- to when you can expect ht gel back lo a semi-normal lite. It 1- also done in hope of screwing up tiny plan- you tthidi or would like lo make On the la-t day oj the simulation, remove the board- from the 10111- dows, bul do not go outside. Hat e youi loved one- stand aero— the street, leaving at you. al attention lor four hour- and look at them lo sim- ulate duly on the day a your return. NOT! Tin- simulation was designed for those who would like lo. but. haven I had the opportu- nity to enjoy an extended period of lime at sea. — ANONYMOUS HAPPY SAILING!