Euclid Shore High School - Shore Log Yearbook (Euclid, OH)

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THE VERDICT RETURNED A FARCE Written by Betty Schubert IT was a sultry afternoon in Facultyville. All the villagers had retired for the afternoon, undoubtedly waiting until the thermometer would come down to 98 degrees in the shade. Facultyville was a hot place. The dust had had a chance to settle in the old courtroom. The only sign of life was a fly, buzzing industriously about the Judge, who was snatching a little much needed beauty sleep. The screen door banged! The silence was broken. Judge Metts awoke with a start. In came Sheriff Stray, modestly escorting Susie Rosenberger and Sallie Doutt. The fly came to attention. Ah, here, at last, was some excitement. He careL.Hy settled himself and thus became the secret witness of the following dialogue. Judge Metts (yawning terrificly) — Hello, there. Don't bother to knock. What's the trouble now? Sheriff Stray (proudly) — Your Honor, I found these two prominent citizens of Faculty- ville having a heated argument. Judge (mops his brow) — It must have been about the weather. Sallie Doutt — Your Honor, Susie Rosenberger had the nerve — Susie Rosenberger — Your Honor, she's got it all wrong — (Enter Millie Crampton, the Courthouse secretary, with a brief case.) Mill ie (gayly) — What's this about nerves all wrong? I just got a fine prescription from Doc Leonard for soothing nerves. It's six tablespoons of vinegar, one teaspoon — Judge — Excuse me, but will you please summon the jury? It looks like an interesting case. Ladies, be seated. (The jury scrambles in.) Mike Padgett — Get off my chair. Can't you see I've got my hand on it? Joey Harter — I tagged it first. Lucie Aingworth — Don't rush, boys. There's lots of room in the back row. Henry Spangler — Save me a seat, Joe. Willy Maddock — Ouch! That was my foot. Miss Emmie Crone — I want to sit on the end. Jennie Mitchell (to Willy) — Take your finger out of my eye, please. Mollie Darst — Oh, Henry, move your head to the left; I can't see. (Judge Metts taps desk with croquet mallet.) Judge — Silence in the courtroom. Now, let's get down to work. Attorney Swartz enters. Judge — Ah, we shall now proceed. Miss Swartz — The first question — what? Sheriff Stray — A heated argument. Judge — No interference, please; there's enough static as it is. Continue. Miss Swartz— Who? Sallie Doutt — Susie Rosenberger — Susie Rosenberger — Sallie Doutt — [28]

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TBI P§lf - if © L Judge Metts — Yes, it is very apparent. Please continue. Miss Swartz — When? Sheriff Stray — At 2:15 sharp, Eastern Standard time. Miss Swartz — Next, where? Sally Doutt — In Susie's kitchen. Susie Rosenberger — No sir-e-e-e, it was out in the yard. Miss Swartz — Please be definite. I presume you mean the argument when you say it . Well, let's compromise and say the argument took place on Susie's back porch. Judge (to the jury) — Is that satisfactory? (Lucie Aingworth sits up with a start.) (Mike Padgett hastily removes his feet from the railing.) (Miss Emmie Crone and Jennie Mitchell cease their chummy conversation.) Henry Spangler — Your Honor, we agree unanimously. Miss Swartz — Next, why? (Sally Doutt and Susie Rosenberger commence to talk and motion wildly.) Judge — Now, one at a time. Sally, you tell us what's the matter. Then Susie can tell us next. Please articulate clearly. Sally Doutt — Yes, Your Honor, as you all know, Susie lives next door to me. Well, my side porch faces her house, and unluckily, it is the only place where one can be com- fortable in the afternoons. I went out there this afternoon and was just getting settled when the most insulting odor reached my nostrils. What do you suppose Susie was cooking? Glue! ! ! Judge — What would she want with glue? Sallie — Well, you know how many dishes she breaks? I guess she just decided to have whole dishes for a change instead of just pieces — Miss Swartz — I see a flaw in your argument. How do you know it was glue? Sallie — I have a very good nose. Susie Rosenberger — Now let me explain. I was just cooking dinner. Sheriff Stray — What, do you eat glue? Susie — Who said anything about glue? I was just boiling cabbage! (Judge breaks the silence.) Judge — Har-har-har — that's a good one. Ha-ha. Sallie — But I know it was glue. Susie — Well, if anyone ought to know, it ought to be me. Judge Metts — Jury, you may adjourn to determine your verdict. (The judge prepares to sleep again.) (The members of the jury go to the next room and seat themselves.) Mollie Darst — Now, how should we go about it? Miss Crone — Let X be the unknown. Joe Harter — No-no let's debate the question. Henry Spangler — Well, however we do it, we must have a conclusion. Lucie Aingworth — Yes, by all means. Jennie Mitchell — Well, let's sum up the facts. First, Susie has been cooking some offensive food; Second, Sally Doutt objects; Third, They have a quarrel; Fourth, We all come here to decide. Now, what's the decision? Mike Padgett — I've got it I Lucie Aingworth — What? the measles? Mike — No, the decision. Neither one is guilty. Miss Crone — Prove it. Henry Spangler — Never mind the proof. We've got the conclusion and that is all that is necessary, so come on. (Judge Metts awakes, and the case is resumed.) Judge — The jury will now give the verdict. (Henry Spangler rises gracefully from his seat.) Henry — Your Honor, we have found that neither Susie nor Sallie is guilty. Judge — Eh? Not guilty? How's that? Mike Padgett — It's this way. Sally Doutt said her porch was on the side facing Susie's home. Susie has to eat, so she cooked something. Judge — Yes, go on. Mike — .Well, can Susie help it if the wind carries the odor of her cooking over to Sally's porch, if Sally's porch is there to get all the odors? Judge — Very complicated. Continue. (The jury in unison) — Then the carpenter who built the porch on the side facing Susie's home so all Susie's cooking can be smelled by Sallie is to blame because — The fly wearied with so much intelligence, flapped out of the room. [29]