Drake University - Quax Yearbook (Des Moines, IA)

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L. S. Your dad is badly mistaken. I'll venture the unquali- fled, comprehensive assertion that your dad is a hay-seeder, an un- cultured, typical rustic. H. P. Whoa, big words! But my dad lives on a farm, is a free born American citizen, votes the Republican ticket, goes to church, prays and sings, is the husband of one wife and the father of ten children, and knows enough to teach you, old big words. L. S. Look here, youngster, you are entirely to-J free with your speech for a country jake and a typical product of your rustic father. Do you presume to tell me, a leading, respected Sopho- more of Drake University, that your countrilied dad could instruct me? Go hunt a room, wash your face, comb your hair, brush your clothes, blacken your shoes, you are not tlt to be seen: I am disgraced by coming in contact with you. II. P. I must be a wonderful fellow to disgrace you. It is hard to break a dog of sucking eggs and I believe it would be hard to disgrace you, you wind-bag, you pumpkin head, you product stuck-on-yourselfness. Will you please go away ? L. S. Young man, I advised you from my wonderful incom- prehensible, unboundable learning to do certain things, but instead of doing this you are calling me names you learned on the farm sitting at the feet ofr your rural, coarse, unpolished ancestor. II. P. Wind-bag, old word chewer, if you had as much learn- ing as you boast of you would not have talked about me and my father as you did. I firmly believe you are an infernal conglom- erated mixture of wind and nothingness. Is your digestion good, did you ever have a doctor to examine your mental state? L. S. Young rustic, do you question my mental equilibrium, you are indiscreet, injudicious, rash, impudent beyond my bound- less power of language to describe and picture. H. P. If you tell the truth about your learning I would judge nothing beyond your powers. L. S. You are too uncultured for me to talk to. I have a notion to take you by the nape of the neck, stick you in my pocket, take you and dump you into the sewer. H. P. If you were to put me in your pocket you would have more brains in your pocket than you ever had in your head. No lie! L. S. You most audacious, detestable, contemptible hay-seeder, upon my honor. reputation and bearing I will venture the asser- tion you will be sent home before a month. Such as you are not tolerated here. II. P. I wonder how you are ever tolerated. But, changing the subject, Mr. Sophomore, have you a wheel? I see the1'e are many in the city. L. S. I have not, but what is it to you? H. P. If I were you land I speak with all reverencej I would take the wheels out of my head and the rubber out of my neck and make me one. This ended the conversation, for the Humble Prep saw he had so riled the Learned Sophomore, he skipped ont. He obtained a room, cleaned up, matriculated and was soon at work. He did not see the Learned Sophomore until some time in the Winter' term, when a second conversation took place, as follows : L. S. Hello! H. P. Good morning. L. S. You have cleaned yourself up, I see. II. P. You are the same wind-bag, I suppose, as of old. L. S. You Preps are getting to be quite important and disre- spectful. H. P. Are we to be judged by such dead beats as you Sopho- mores?

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The Learned Sopb and the 1-Icmgble Prep. .fvs EPTEMBER thirteenth. eighteen hundred and ninety- four, a green, gawky, homesick, dejected, train-dusted, bashful Prep stepped OH' of the VVahash passenger and started on foot for Drake University. In the course of half an hour, still more tired and weary than when he left the train, he arrived on the campus. He knew the meaning of a shade tree, and being considerably in the notion of rest- ing, he sat down in the shade of the old elm tree at the corner of the university building. Here he could see the smiling faces of the students as they passed along the walk to and from the buildingg here once in a while he could catch a glance of one of those great men, namely, a member of the faculty, here he could see the college girls. and, oh, how his heart did throb as his mind wandered back lo Sunday night and the fair one: here he could hear the leaves rustling as they were kissed and caressed by the autumnal zephyrsg here he could hear the birds singing as gaily as they did in the old apple orchardg here he could reflect, plan, rest and observe. This somewhat soothed his tired feelings, but sitting under the elm was not storing up mountains of knowledge, as he hoped to do in a few days. The same day a very wise person, a Sophomore, arrived on the same train. As he had not come far he was not very tired, and looked about one-tenth as a Sophomore feels. He took the street carg went to his already-engaged room, washed his face and brushed his long hairg put on his high collar and four-in-hand, blacked his pointed shoes, and put on his gloves, creased pants and long-tailed coat and went out to see the boys and impart knowledge to those so unfor- tunate as not to possess any of that most valuable of all things. Wliile in this frame of mind he passed by the Hunl- ble Prep under the elm. Says he, Here is a specimen of humanity from the rural districts who is green, gawky and ignorant. l will give him a small dose of Sophomore wisdom. He sat down under the elm, and the following conversation took place : Leamecl Sophomore. Good morning. Humble Prep. IIowd'y. , .l.. S. Just arrived ? H. P. Just come to town, sorter like the wild man of Borneo. L. S. Do you intend to attend school this Fall ? JI.P. That's just what I am here forg can you put me on to any of the ropes? L S. I have been in school three long, tedious years and can tell you anything you wish to know. ' II. P. Monstrousl can you? You must be a paralyzerg dad told me when I started that not even the faculty could tell me all things. '

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L. S. You should look upon us Sophomores with the same profound respect and sublime reverence that is shown by the heathen to his gods. II. P. Most learned, most honorable Mr. Sophomore, the Fresh- men tell us the Sophomores are the dead beats of school. J.. S. IIaven't you any better sense than to believe those blow- ing. boisterous, blustering, blutiing Freshmen ? Il. P. Most excellent Sophomore, I would believe a Freshman before I would believe you. Besides, the Juniors and Seniors say it is true. JL, S. The most clubs are thrown at the trees that have the best apples on them. II. P. The most clubs and rocks and kicks are directed at un- necessary detestable dogs and cats. JL. S. Do you mean to compare us with dogs and cats, and to say we are unnecessary and detestable? 11. P. Do you think I would do justice to the canines and felines if I did? But, it the shoe lits. wear it. L. S. Don't you think you should show more veneration and reverence toward the Sophomores? I mean you should be their worshipers. H. P. Chinamen worship blocks and stones, but Preps do not. L. S. Blocks and stones do you call us? For half a cent I would slap your head off. II. P. Could not afford to have it done for half a cent. L. S. More time in school may bring to you more polish, cul- ture and refinement. H. P. It signally failed with you. But how can one of your standing talk about such things. L. S. The simple fact that I am a Sophomore gives an undis- puted, uncontroverted, uncontested right to speak on such subjects. l H. P. That only proves to my mind you are incapable of talk- ing on ethical questions. L. S. May the Lord let you live until you have more respect for your superiors. H P. May the Lord never allow all the wind in you to escape at once, but gradually. L. S. 0, hateful, odious, loathsome. execrable, detestable, mis- erable, abominable Prep. I ought to make you feel sorry for what you have said. H. P. O, just, noble, upright Sophomore, be not too much :Nrodught up. But remember the old world has little use for swelled iea s. I . S. Wretch, come out on the campus and I will swell your rea . II. P. I fear it would make a fool of me, as it has of you. L. S. I never saw such irreverence shown to a superior. H. P. I feel very sorry for you, but why do you wear that badge? JL. S. Why do you ask? It explains itself. H. P. What does it mean? I see it says girl wanted. J.. S. You would do well to attend to Prep business and not to Sophomore business. -- H. P. No one besides a Sophomore would be silly enough to wear such a badge. S. That is what you say, scoundrel. H. P. That is what all the students in school say, and 1 believe it. L. S. Time will till your head, I pray, with less cussedness and more reverence. H. P. In order that this of which you speak may come to pass take this nickle, tell me all you know and hand me back the change. L, S. I ought to murder you. H. P. Well, the bell has rung. and I must go to class.