Delaware Valley College - Cornucopia Yearbook (Doylestown, PA)

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10 THE GLEANER but a report signed by P. Han- charow, treasurer, contradicted the above statement. Upon leaving the hotel, I per- ceived an extensive sign displayed across the entire width of the street, but what arrested my atten- tion was not the size nor the dom- inant colors, but the following an-- nouncement 1 Tonight 7.30 P, M. Tonight At the Royal Auditorium B. VVade, of the Socialist Party QAffirmativej vs. C. Abrams, of the Anarchist Party tNegativej Will debate the great civic ques- tion, Resolved, That the Company of an Old Maid Is Preferable to an Ulcerated Toothachef' The fact that I had telegraphed my wife that I would arrive aboard the Mixed Star S. S. New Britain prevented my presence at the popu- lar debate. Un the second day of my home- ward voyage, I decided to investi- gate the mechanical department of the vessel, and upon inquiring for a guide, the chief engineer, whose voice and size proved to be that of C. bl. Toor, responded. He con- gratulated me on my success and we soon drifted into the discussion of the newly proposed bridge across the Atlantic, emigration to the North Pole, the repeated fail- ure of VVoinan Suffrage, Ben. Kes- sehnan's possibility for president and other current topics. lle also extended regards to me from I.. gl. l leishinan, who was first officer on the hattleship Iloylestownf' .Xt last we passed the Statue of l.ihcrty, which was resting wearilv against a post, disgusted with the failure of the enactment of Sena- tor S. J. Billig's statute recom- mending pensions for aged and in- tirm cats. I disembarked at Battery Park. where a jitney driver, who later introduced himself as J, VVolf, of- fered his services. A traffic cop, whose grace and gentleness im- pressed me as that of H. Citron. motioned- us to stop. On recogniz- ing us, he expressed his sympathy and regret, but duty-bound escort- ed us to the courtroom. We later learned that the odor and foul gas- es escaping from our tin lizzie was a violation of the city ordi- nance. I never felt so much at home as I did that evening, when I found myself in a cell, with a space be- tween the heavy iron bars disclos- ing an intimate scene. The imme- diate environment strongly re- sembled our former Segal Hall conditions. There was Bill More- inis eagerly offering his hand, but it was all in vain-the width of the long hallway interfered, I also ob- served that his fellow-inmates, H. Stamen and Isaac Oxenhandler. each occupied neighboring cells. It grieved me to see those pioneers of Scientific Agriculture imitating the idle rich. hut I was greatly re- lieved when I learned that for six- teen hours each day they cheerful- ly contributed their labors toward that enormous heap of cobhlestones in the prison yard, The following morning I was given an opportunity to plead my innocence. The judge, V. K. lfischloivitz. upon hearing my name called hy the clerk, almost simul-

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THE GLIEANER 9 head, with a well-developed mental apparatus, was at the beginning of the year initiated as a member of our class. Kaskin, who pleaded not guilty to the charge of belonging to the genus homo and was will- ing to supply the missing link, was also admitted- to our ranks. This year made us noble Seniors, and dignity, awe and reverence followed us. As this year was the last stage in our mental uplift, we set to our task and worked laboriously, but as all work and no play makes .lack a dull boy, we supplemented our course with plenty of play. At the end of the summer we found our hearts aching and our souls longing for the Camp Arden damsels, who left us then to return to our daily task and drudgery. The following few months passed quietly, though sadly. Now we number 27 men, plus VVade. who are about to face the world with all its intricacies, and all of us striving for the best. We thank Providence that this history is a pleasant refiection of our life during the three years' stay at school, and- we may profit bv it. PROPHECY BENJAMIN KESSELLIAN VVhile journeying through the British Isles I visited the Island of Guernsey. It was there that I pur- chased some valuable cattle as an addition to my herd in Connecti- cut. Owing to their merited quali- ties it was difficult to procure cows which surpassed all former rec- ords, but fortunately, to my great surprise, I overheard the proprie- tor's name, Solomon Shapiro. The name sounded familiar, and upon being introduced, can you imagine the joy I felt when two classmates meet after a lapse of ten years? To- gether we toured through his vast estate, talking over old times. I-Ie explained that his success was due to the earnest labors of his faith- ful superintendent, B. H. Ezrin, who developed the champion milk- producing cow of the worl-1. Masie Middleton's Pride. From there I proceeded to Lon- don to arrange for my homeward journey. As I entered the Ritz- Carlton, N. NV. London. I was startled to hear my name called out, and upon turning about. there was I-I. Sweitzer laying claim to mv friendship fwho. bv the way. was then employed as the doorman at the hotell. Naturally. I could not bear to see my classmate under such circumstances and I presented him with a four-figure check. Dill'- nble at the Bank of Mexico. where Baron A, S. Feldman, according to newspaper reports. was recentlv elected president. The paper also stated that the financial standing of that institution was unfavorable.

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l'lll'1Gl.lZANER ll taneously ejaculated his loud deci- sion of not guilty. His honor later explained that my innocence was simply due to the fact that we were classmates. Upon dismissal from the court- room, and not being accustomed to the confusing streets of New York's downtown, I unconscious- ly wand-ered into the Bowery. A pawnshop on this highway is noth- ing extraordinary, but when three gold balls are accompanied with the following sign: Louis Kaskin lends money to the poor, bring your diamonds for security, you. too, would hesitate long enough to read it. To satisfy my curiosity, I entered, and without any signs of welcome a short primeval-looking man came toward me and said, Mister, you look sick and- wor- ried, let me sell you a revolver, and then, recognizing me, he sprang forward and joyfully em- braced me as he would his wife following a stroke of good busi- ness. NVe chatted for a while, but with thoughts of my wife at home, I soon bid him a hearty farewell. During the last ter. years many changes have taken place. I was surprised to see eighty-story sky- scrapers replace such memorable mansions as the Bowery Mission, Maxy's Busy Bee and other such institutions I commonly frequented in my youth. Not being accustom- ed to the confusion, I decided to leave the city. Astonishment was beyond description. Un my way to the railroad station I noticed the horsecars still in operation in competition with the Aeroplane Transportation Co.,f' with huge aeroplanes flying to and fro direct- ly.above the car line. Once again I was comfortably seated in the Twentieth Century Limited of the Erie K. R., which, by the way, has already eliminated the usual stops for repairs at every station. On entering the dining car, a richly attired gentleman met me with a questioning glance, His striking resemblance to one of my old' classmates aroused my curio- sity, and I decided to dine at the same table. Upon his remark as to the quality of the spuds, I no longer doubted that it was Nathan Magram, the owner of the largest dairy herd in the country. He explained to me that he ac- cumulated his fortune with the aid of his knowled-ge of animal breeding he obtained from Prof. Bishop. When I inquired for a reason of his not persuing his previous inten- tions of poultry farming, he smiled wisely and replied that his wife and children depended solely upon him for support, and to avoid trouble with mother-in-law he was com- pelled to enter some profitable line of farming. At the Richmondale Station Mr. Magram alighted, and as the sta- tion was an important one, the train waited quite some time. On walking out to the back platform to view the beautiful scenery, a short, sun-burned individual was patiently waiting for the train to pull up and allow him to proceed. He carried all his personal belong- ings in a red bandanna at the end of a heavy cane, balanced over his shoulder. It occurred to me that the towels l used to exchange with Mike Selecter bore a similar re- semblance. lrlis microscopic ap- pearance greatly helped me to