Athens State College - Columns Yearbook (Athens, AL)

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Statistics STATISTICS! Now you needn ' t look bored: I know the mere word strikes horror to many timid souls, but since it is my business to gather the statistics of this most notable class, and since you are forced to listen or to jump up and run away, I shall proceed to give you in a numerical ratio, the geometrical proportions of this hard-worked, well-informed, never-to-be-forgotten, woe - begone, happy-go-lucky- class. As the statistician of the greatest class that has ever gone out from these college halls, the read- er who is known for her conservative statements will endeavor to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To begin in a logical order, the first item is our number. There are nine of us ; taken altogether we are called the Nine Muses; ' separately we are known as Annie Buck, Mary P., Mary Key, P. IMarlowe, Cowpeas, Anna Virginia, Maggy, Miss Zaide, and IMe. The next thing to be taken into consideration is our youth. We are 175 years of age. Now you may think that rather ancient, but since }0U know that with age comes wisdom, experience and a great many lovely traits of character, you can very readily understand why we are so full of wisdom, so rich in experience and are so lovable. Some have had the audacity to insinuate that the head of this class has become rather inflated, and you may think so, too, when I tell you that the distance around it is IT ' z feet. But when you learn that the weight of this class is 1,145 1-99 pounds, you will very readily see that even though it should become as inflated as Count Zeppelin ' s newest dirigible, there will be little danger of our getting awa}- from the earth earthy. When I tell you that as Freshmen this head measured only 10j4 feet around, and that we have not greatly increased in physical growth during this time, I believe that you will agree with me that this increase of 7% feet is, unquestionably, due to brain expansion. For have we not taken in. digested and assimilated all the knowledge found in a stack of books 56 feet 5J 2 inches high, containing 25,999,861 J pages, and 1,076,383,580 words ? I failed to state above that the head measurement just mentioned was taken without rats. When rats are included it is increased to 2354 feet. It will probably be well to say just here that this most worthy class is not seriously addicted to the use of rats, ribbons being preferred, because they save time, and we need all of our spare time for rewriting Enghsh themes. Miss Maggie Griffith, who possesses the most mathematical turn of mind of any in the class, has found by a very complicated system of calculations that we each occupy an average of 41 cubic feet of space ; and taken all together we occupy 369 cubic feet. As to whether there will be a quiet calm or an aching void, which the world can never fill, when we leave these halls, it will be left for others to decide. If an aching void, it will be a deep one, if measured from tlie top downward, for we tower to the sublime height of 110 feet, 2 1-16 inches. This one characteristic renders us expert observers for all kinds of astronomical observations anywhere within the ethereal sphere. Another very remarkable feature of our class is that we are all more or less accomplished. It adds materially to the lustre of our crown to have four musicians, two artists, one would-be-artist, one elocutionist and one fluent linguist among our number. (32)

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Almost before I knew it, we had crossed the Pacific and were in Idaho, the State of beautiful views. We stopped at a spring, and while we were standing there a big touring car came up and stopped near us. Out of the car stepped a handsome middle-aged man, who took great pains in lifting out the lady who accompanied him. It was quite easy to see that they were newly married. And when the woman lifted her veil to drink of the water at the spring, whose face should I see but Anna Dinsmore ' s, or at least the face of the Anna Dinsmore that was, for her name was no longer Dinsmore, and she and her husband were spending their honeymoon touring Scen- ic Idaho. It was only the work of a few moments to go from Idaho into Montana. Here another surprise awaited me. My companion guided me to a little log schoolhouse on the outskirts of a mining town. In the door of the schoolhouse stood a little woman with hair drawn tightly back from her face and spectacles on. the nose. In her hand she held a large stick, and I knew she must make li fe very hard for her pupils. It took a second glance to recognize my old friend, Eunice McDonnald. She is teaching in order to go to New York and study art, my guide whispered. Well, if she hasn ' t been to New York yet, I ' m afraid she won ' t ever get there. Well, I ' ve seen all of my old classmates but Kathouise, I wonder where she can be, I said to my compan- ion, as we took our leave. We have only ten minutes left so we will not have time to see her, but I will tell you about her, was the answer I received. He then told me that she was a student in the University of Chi- cago, and that she would take her Ph.D. from that institution in a few months. I always knew Kathonise would do something really great, but I do wish I could have seen her. Ten minutes later found us soaring over southern Illinois, where my companion suddenly dropped down into a lonely graveyard, while I, of course, followed. What are we doing here? I asked, when we were safely on the ground. Wait and you shall see, he replied. Why I ' ve already seen all of my classmates and then it suddenly dawned upon me what he might mean, and in horror I turned and fled, running against a tombstone in my haste. Bang, went something. I looked down, and there on the floor lay my psychology, which had fallen from my lap, and the magic helmet and all had disappeared. Prophet ' 12. A-tb-ens College Library i tJiexxs. A-lat aT«» (31

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Here are a great many more items of a general nature that might be read about this most honorable class, but for fear that I shall tire you, I will leave these unread. Besides, there are a great many things connected with a class of this kind that are not to be read in the hearing of the uninitiated. These pages that I am passing over contain the chronicles of the sorrows and heartaches, joys and fears, pleasures and happiness of each and every member. They tell of many descents into the vales of doubt and discouragement, and of many ascents of the mounts of hope and courage, even almost to theheights of Parnassus itself. Passing over this general information concerning the class, collectively, I will now give you a little insight into the real individuality of each girl. But in order to do this I must unlock a chest of mysteries, and how fortunate it is that I have a Key ready at hand with which to unlock it! Now there are various kinds of keys — door keys, watch keys, safe keys, pantry keys, office keys, darkeys, and turkeys — but our Key is not any of these. The key which our Key most resem- bles is a »!o;i-key. I find next the name of Dinsmore. Hum ! It seems to me if that name were reversed it would be more ap- propriate, for is not Anna capable of making just a little more din than anybody we know? But we will look over this fault of her ' s for she is somewhat talented in the musical line, and if her arm will permit, we may yet have cause to be proud that she is one of our number. Just here I find a few pages containing a little of my own personal history, but as I never like to read my praise in other people ' s ears, modesty forces me to pass them by. Speaking of singers, there are soprano singers, tenor singers, contralto singers, sweet singers, musical sing- ers and all sorts of singers, but not one of any of these singers have we. The singer who belongs to us is one who can bombard the forts of ignorance with dramatic oratory, and that singer is a Per-smgtr. The next item that I would like to read to you relates to the aristocracy and to the high social position of our class. Now to prove to you that this statement is true, I will cite a few examples. One of our members is a great-grand-niece of Jimmy James, who was a son of John James, who was the twenty-first cousin of the once notorious Jesse. Another aristocratic member of our class is Miss Annie Buchanan. She is a daughter of Wm. Buchanan, who is the son of Ralph Buchanan, who wasthe grand-nephew of John Buchanan, who was the grand- son of James Buchanan, one of the early presidents of our country. Annie, however, is little interested in the af- fairs of the nation, and only asks for a little more time in which to paint china. To prove that we are eminent socially we bring Sadie before you. She sometimes wonders if she may not be a distant relative of peg-legged Peter Stuyvesant, the one-time governor of the colony of New York, and S-t-u-r-d-i-v-a-n-t isn ' t just an im- provement in the way of spelling Stuyvesant. She attributes to that gentleman her inherited desire to become a society butterfly. We do not admit that anyone of us is lacking in intellectuality, nevertheless, we are ready to concede that Kathouise leads in that line. She is not so much interested, just at present, however, in making good grades as she is in getting a giant Oracle off to press. And just here I find some statements of her progress in this en- deavor. The Oracle of this year is to contain 1,000 pages of literary matter alone. And JMiss Walston has, since her appointment as Editor-in-Chief some six months ago, ground out of her fertile brain one-half page of this val uable material. This consists of two jokes and one news item. I will read them in order that you may know exactly the extent of her intellectual powers. (33)