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Page 18 text:
"Robert l-lillsgrove! Why, aren't you the fellow whom the Reds planted in our Navy as chef?
I believe they called the operation,"lnside Slaughter."
"My word, that's bully, old chap," says Joe.
"And what explanation have you to offer for your own behavior,Joe, old bean? It seems that
all through school you harbored a dislike for teachers and after you graduated from Plymouth you
led a group of students and lynched the principal of the school where you were employed."
"Oh, that was a jolly onel Come Robert, let us flap our new wings a bit."
"I fear that the fuel bill will be rather high this month, Miss Shie1ds."
'Welcome my dears, so nice you could make it. Now, your names are Gwen and Libby, aren't
"Yes sir," says Gwen, "uh-huh," says Libby.
'Now Libby, whatever prompted you to strangle little Fauntleroy just because he chipped a
piece out of your leg with an axe? ln fact, he very politely asked your permission first. Gwen,
I find you guilty of doping race horses. Please, both of you, float out of my sight."
"Who are these weird looking characters, the three musketeers?"
"Hi ya, Pete. Say, can you tell us where they're hiding all the gals?"
"You're Walt, lpresume, and you're Robert and Doug?"
Man, you're real bright."
"Walt,I see you studied at U. N. H, and then became a mechanical engineer,like Roger. By
the way, do you remember the time you unfastened the pistons in your old man's car and the
whole engine fell out?"
"Don't run away, Robert,l have something for you, too. Remember the night you went A. W.
O. L. and when you came back you put a whole cage of monkeys in the captain's shower. I-le
noticed them just as he turned on the hot water and became so frightened he froze into a state
of rigor mortis and boiled to death."
"You remember my little woman, don't you Walt," says Doug. "Well, she was still so mad
at me this morning over last night's quarrel that she wou1dn't get up to make my breakfast. Now,
me beinga peace -loving guy, Imade a whole pot of coffee and insisted that she drink the whole
thing so she'd feel better."
"Oh, a cookl" says St. Peter. "How do you make coffee?"
"Well, in this particular pot, I used three parts of coffee, three parts of water and one part
tetramethyl ammonium chloride . "
"Well, l'll see all of you later, keep warm for now. Ah, the saints preserve us! Look what's
ascending upon us now, Miss Shields."
"I'm Claire and I'm new around here, and I'm also darned cold."
"I can arrange for warmer quarters."
"Never mind, I guess it's just a matter of fry or freeze. I became a teacher. My side kick
here is Loretta."
"I milk cows," says Loretta.
"What's cooking?" says Claire.
"Just a few of your friends--fire burn and caldron bubble! "
I also clean the barn, mow hay and feed the chickens," says Loretta.
My, but you are kind to you relatives, aren't you, dear?" says Claire. '
"Enough," snaps St. Peter. Miss Emerson and Miss O'Brien, Ido not feel inclined to go through
the formality of looking in the "Good Book" to learn of your offenses. lust follow the rest."
We fade out as we hear sixteen somewhat disillusioned, but none to penitent voices joining
in for three rousing choruses of "Hail, hail the Gang's All Here," and "Keeping the Home Fires
Page 17 text:
As the mist clears, the sound of harps is heard. Clouds are floating languidly by and a large
stern-faced man in long white robe opens the gate as a young man rushes up to it.
"Hi, St. Peter, glad to make your acquaintance. Sorry Ican't stay long, gotta get the old
hot-rod grinding its gears pretty soon for the take -off.
"Young man," snaps St. Peter, "l strongly suggest that you park that contaminated contraption
and adjust yourself to what is fondly referred to as the Wild Blue Yonder. Miss Shields, please
bring out the records on Roger's life."
"Excuse me for a minute, Pete old boy, I think l'll take a strol1."
"I wouldn't do that if Iwere you, boy. lt's a long drop--a mighty long drop. Now let's see
what the "Good Book" has to say about little "Baby Face Leighton." Hm, it says here that you
tortured the professors at U.N. H. for four unmerciful years while you studied to become a mech-
anicalengineer. You unselfishly dedicated your life to protect man from such evils as gambling,
murder, and Chevrolets. Stop blowing cigar smoke in my face and wait your turn in the next
St. Peter's eyes fell upon the next customer. "Welcome, welcome, young lady, I sincerely
hope you have a pleasant stay."
"Hel-lo," Ann replies in a warm, vibrant voice.
"Miss Leonard, I see by my record book that you are guilty of disrupting many chemistry
classes while in high-school. And can you explain why, Miss Leonard, you deliberately threw
your roommate at U. N. H. into the swimming pool when you knew that it had been frozen over
for ice skating?"
"No sir, I haven't an answer right now, but if you will give me a few minutes, l'll think of a
"Don't worry, you'l1 have plenty of time. Now follow those other people to the next c1oud."
"No, don't bother, I'l1 answer the gate, Miss Shields. A warm welcome from one's host makes
one's stay just that much more pleasant."
"Suh, Iwas just passin' by and thought ah'd drop in for a minute."
"Wall, bless ma soul, isn't yo'all named Lewis Dow?,"
"Thas right, and ah'm a real good singer too. Ah'd be glad to sing something fo' you now.
Any special song yo'd like to request?"
"No, thank you, I've already served my time. Now, I find you guilty of unofficial dribbling
while playing on the Alton basketball team. And what prompted you to open the porthole in that
submarine when you were stationed in the Pacific?"
"Ah, think l'll continue my walk now, suh, if you don't mind."
"Just follow the girl who was ahead of you, if you please."
"We1l, well, look whom we have here. What brings you here, Nancy?"
"A high basketball pass, m'boy. Now, how much red tape do Ihave to go through beforel can
establish myself in my new surroundings?"
"Just answer my questions please,Miss Nickerson. Why did you defend Slippery Sam and get
him his freedom when you knew he was guilty of embezzlement?"
"I-le very generously gave me a nice fat slice of the cabbage."
"Hm, l'll see to it that you have a nice,warm suite for the winter. Please excuse me while I
answer the gate."
"My word, this chap sounds impatient."
"I-lello, the name's Kent to you. Attended U. N. H. and then became a dentist. Fillings,
55.005 extractions fnovocain not includedj, 37.00.
"Mister Locke, ifImay,would you please explain the mysterious deaths of five ofyour clients
who died in the chair?"
"Well, it's like this--my hand slipped when Iwas drilling and l somehow caught the drill in
their throats. Heh, heh, heh! "
"Ah, yes, well float away for just a minute, will you?"
"My,this is a busy morning,I'll never finish placing all these nice people. Answer the gate,
will you Miss Shields?"
"My word, it's Helen. Oh, but this is a fetching case. The "Good Book" says that before you
married Gooky Glenwall,Miss LaCroix, you ran a fur salon in cahoots with Miss Shields, who has
long since become one of our big,happy family. Now, my question,Miss LaCroix: Why did you
sell dyed rats for genuine mink? By the way, how much did you two make on the deal? Enough
to buy good furs in a nice legal salon, hm'm? Dismissed."
"Ah, here comes a pair of knotty looking lads."
"By golly, it's St. Peter. I'm Robert."
Page 19 text:
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