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Page 9 text:
A True-Life Saga VISIONS OF GRANDEUR ... or the heart- break of moving in As today ' s episode opens, we follow our heroine, Freda the Freshman, as she makes her seventeenth trip up three flights of stairs. (Little does she know there is an elevator just around the corner.) Behind her is Daddy with a box of records in the one hand, a bucket in the other, and an extension cord around his neck. " Freda, " he gasps, " are you sure your big sister told you to bring these things? " Mama leads the way, smiling upon everyone she meets. " Now honey, why don ' t you just let me make up your bed? " All too soon, Freda ' s faithful guardians depart and she is left in a room full of boxes, sagging beds, and a strange girl named Francis from Florida. Will Freda survive two weeks of hall, dorm, Orientation, faculty, and class meetings? Can she overcome the awful burden of 4.726 times as much studying as she did in high school? Will she learn how to shag in time for Rush Week? Tune in next week for the answer to these and other questions — (namely the ones on her first midterm . . .)
Page 10 text:
Dreaded Disease Hits Sophomores TUNNEL VISION Symptoms: can ' t see possibility of life beyond Agnes Scott tunnelling through mountains of homework experie ncing first " steady " college beau indecision about major nervous giggle actually studies for mid- terms not playing with a full deck high school dreams forgotten future plans uncertain. " Tunnel Vision, " more commonly known as " Sophomore Slump, " strikes down countless unsuspecting second-year Scotties every year. Visible symptoms are addiction to " General Hospital " and antagonism towards freshmen, especially during Black Cat. Inner signs are restlessness, confusion and extreme aversion to studying. Now, there is a proven remedy to battle this dreaded affliction: a wondrous time-release formula. It requires a rather complicated operation — a " Declare a Majorectomy. " After countless meetings with faculty advisors and after going through millions of course and major cards, the process headed by the Deans is usually successful. Why is it then that the patients continually fade away from sheer exhaustion? But we are told that in our lifetime experts will develop a safer, yet still more effective way to treat " tunnel vision. "
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