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Page 135 text:
"Why does a clock run?"
"You would too if you had ticks!"
The subject before the class was, "The
Cow." The teacher asked the class about
the uses to which the parts of the dead
animal were put, when it was brought out
that the flesh was eaten, and from the hide
leather for boots and shoes was made.
"And what do we make of the horns?"
the teacher queried.
Up shot the hand of a small boy.
"Well, what is it, my boy?"
The train was pulling out and the old
gentleman was just settling down comfort-
ably. Suddenly the door burst open, and a
young man tumbled into the coach and
seated himself, panting and puffing, op-
posite. The latter looked on with obvious
"You must be very unfit, young man,"
he said, after a while. "Why, when I was
young I never panted like that after a
"Perhaps not," said the other, "but I
missed this train at the last station."
A traveling salesman, having missed a
bus, found himself with two hours to
spend in Brushville. He approached a
Got a picture show here?"
A poolroom, or library?"
"Well, how on earth do you amuse
"We go down to the grocery store in
the evenings and watch the bacon slicer
A minister, traveling on one of those
way-trains that stops at every station on a
side line, was reading his Bible.
"Find anything about this railroad in
that book?" asked the conductor, as he
reached for the minister's ticket.
"Yes," replied the preacher, "In the very
first chapter it says that the Lord made
every creeping thing."
The curate was passing down the village
street when he encountered two boys
fighting. He promptly seized the tallest
one by the collar and said to him, "What
are you two fighting about?"
"We were fighting about you," the boy
replied. "Sammy Jones said you hadn't the
brains of a hen, and I said you had."
The following notice was inserted in a
"Anyone found near my chicken house
at night will be found there next morn-
Diogenes met a World War veteran.
"What were you in the war?" he asked.
"A private," the old soldier answered.
And Diogenes blew out his lamp and
Visiting lecturer, indignantly, telephon-
ing: "Are you the man who interviewed
me this morning?" A
Reporter, answering from the newspa-
per office: "Yes. What's the matter?"
"You've got me down in the evening
paper as making a perfectly insane state-
"I printed just what you told me."
"You report me as speaking of the days
when great men were riding Greek goats."
"Yes. Isn't that what you said?"
"Certainly not, you blunderer, I said
'writing Greek odesl' "
A young man went to his doctor com-
plaining of insomnia. The doctor exam-
ined him, found nothing radically wrong,
and advised the man to start counting
when he went to bed and go on until he
The following day he was back again
at the doctor's house.
"Well," asked the medico, "and did
you follow my advice?"
"I did," replied the patient. "I contin-
ually counted up to 45,875."
"And then you fell asleep?"
"Oh, no, doctor! Then it was time to
Page 134 text:
"Now, sir," inquired the bullying law-
yer," "what is your business ?"
"I'm in vaudeville, sir," was the prompt
"Isn't that rather a low calling?"
sneered the lawyer.
"Perhaps it is, sir," was the cool an-
swer, "but you see it is so much more
honest and decent and respectable than
my father's that I am rather proud of it."
"What did your father do?"
"He was a lawyer, sir."
She was a dear old lady who never let
an opportunity pass to get some free med-
ical advice, or to ask the doctor some
questions which had nothing to do with
the case in hand. On this occasion the
doctor had called to treat her husband for
some minor ailment.
"Doctor," she said, "can you tell me
why some people are born dumb?"
"Why-ahem-certainly," replied the
medical man. "It is due either to con-
genital inhibition of the faculty of articu-
lation, or to some anatomical deficiency in
the organs of vocalizationf'
"There, now," she remarked trium-
phantly, glancing at her husband, "see
what it is to have an education? I've asked
Henry more than 100 times why it was
and all he could say was, "Cause they
The height of illegibility-a doctor's
prescription written with a post office pen
in the rumble seat of a second-hand car.
Teacher: "Jane, who was Anne Bo-
jane: "A llatiron, sir."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
jane: "Well, our history book says that
'Henry having disposed of Catherine,
pressed his suit with Anne Boleynf "
"Heah, Rastus, is that quarter I bor-
rowed from you two years ago."
"Y'all might just as well keep yo'
money. It ain't wuth two bits for me to
change mah opinion 0' you."
"Next to a beautiful girl, what do you
think is the most interesting thing in the
"When I'm next to a beautiful girl, I'm
not worrying about statistics."
"B-e-d spells bed," said the teacher to
her backward pupil. "Now do you under-
"Yes," said Tommy glibly.
"Well, c-a-t spells cat, d-o-g spells dog,
and b-e-d spells-what did I tell you b-e-d
"I've forgotten, teacher," whispered
"Well, once more b-e-d spells what you
sleep in. Now what is it?"'
Given: I love you.
To prove: That you love me.
1. I love you.
2. Therefore, I am a lover.
3. All the world loves a lover.
4. You are all the world to me.
5. Therefore, you love me.
Teacher: "What is the half of eight,
Frank: "Which way, teacher?"
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Frank: "On top or sidewise?"
Teacher: "What difference does it
Frank: "Well, the top half of eight is
zero, but the half of eight sideways is
Page 136 text:
College education for women is futile.
If they're pretty, itis unnecessary, if they
are not, it's inadequate.
Historians tell us that women used cos-
metics in the Middle Ages. For that mat-
ter, women in the middle ages still use
The teacher was explaining the mean-
ing of the word "Unit." Picking up vari-
ous objects, she asked what they were,
and each time received the answer, "a
unit." Finally she took an orange from
"And what is this ?" she asked.
"A unit," was the answer.
Taking her knife, the teacher peeled
the orange, and holding the peeling in her
"What is this?"
The class looked confused, but after a
time a hand went up.
"What is it, James?" asked the teacher.
"The skin of a unit," asserted James.
Customer: "Have you a book called
'Man the Master of Women'?,'
Snlesgirl: "The fiction department is
on the other side, sir."
"How many students are there in the
"About one in every live."
A college education: Something that
enables a man to get a job from a man
who never went to school.
Said the math professor: "Now watch
the blackboard while I run through it
Someone has ob? .ned that it takes a
student twenty minutes longer to say what
he thinks than to tell what he knows.
In her school essay on l'Parents," a lit-
tle girl wrote: "We get our parents when
they are so old that it is impossible to
change their habits."
For about an hour a man from Denver
had been boasting to an Englishman about
the magnificence of the Rocky Mountains.
"You seem very proud of them," ob-
served the Englishman.
"You bet I am," replied the man from
Denver. "And I ought to be, since my
ancestors built them."
The other thought this over for a few
moments, and then asked, "Did you ever
hear of the Dead Sea?"
"Yes, indeed," replied the man from
Denver. "I know all about the Dead Sea."
"Well, did you know that my great
grandfather killed the thing?"
One Sunday morning the pastor of a
Negro congregation noticed that an old
face had reappeared among his Hock, and
after the sermon made it a point to wel-
come the supposedly repentant backslider.
"This is the first time I have seen you
at church for a long time," he said. "I'm
sho'ly glad to see you here."
. "Ah done had to come," explained
Rastus. "Ah needs strengthenin'. I'se got
a job white-washin' a chicken coop an'
buildin' a fence roun' a watermelon
The distinguished but absent-minded
lecturer was traveling by train but when
asked for his ticket was unable to find it.
"Never mind, sir," said the conductor,
who knew him well, "I know you bought
one, so it will be all right."
"Thanks very much," said the lecturer,
"but hang it all, man, I've got to find it
to know where I'm going."
Before I heard the doctors tell
1 The dangers of a kiss, f
I had considered kissing you-
w The nearest thing to bliss. X
But now I know Biology
And sit and sigh and moan,
Six million mad bacteria-
And I thought we were alone. -
D, . .
Taxi Driver: "Any part of the city for
Silas: "No, you don't. I bought the
city hall last year and they wouldn't give
it to mef'
l - - Y 1
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