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Page 136 text:
A new one on the absent-minded man.
A fellow who put on his office door a
card saying: "Out. Will be back in ten
minutes," and on his return sat down on
the steps to wait for himself.
Book Agent fto Mr. Childersj : "You ought
to buy an encyclopedia, now that your
boy is going to school."
Mr. Childers: "Not on your life. Let
Charles walk, the same as I did."
Iimmic Hawkins: "I hate those impromptue
complexions, don't you?"
Nancelie Utf: "What do you mean?"
Iimmie: "Those they make up as they go
I. C. Powell: "I snore so loud I wake my-
self, it's hopeless I presumef'
Doc.: "No, just a simple case: sleep in an-
There, little grapefruit, don't you cry,
'Cause when you do, it hits my eye.
"Yes," said the proud mother, "Rex is one
1 of the best football players at his school.
Heis the drawbackf,
Hints to Travelers
To close a trunk when over-packed:
1. Lose Key down the well.
2. Trunk lid will automatically slam and
remain permanently locked.
When 'Tis Folly to Be Wise
Possible Employer-"But you're asking
rather high wage, seeing that you know
nothing about the work."
Reba Heiskell-"But, you see, not know-
in' the works makes it so much harder for
Letting Fate Do Its Worst
The Smiths are on the balcony and can
hear what a young couple are saying in
the garden below.
Mrs. Smith-"I think he wants to pro-
pose. We ought not to listen. Whistle to
Mr. Smith-"Why should I? Nobody
whistled to warn me.',
"Talk about torture!!"
"Nothing worse- than sitting in a barber's
chair with your mouth full of lather watch-
ing the boy trying to give another customer
Customer in drug store fon Sunday
morningj: "Please give me change for a
Druggist: "Here you are. I hope you
enjoy the sermon."
HOW ABOUT IT, WALTER
Fatfy: "Who gave the bride away?"
Caffyr "NValter Winchel, last Thursdayf,
The laziest woman lives in Eldorado. She
puts popcorn in her pancakes so they will
fever hear about the absent-minded prof
who fell in while boating and sank twice
before he remembered he could swim?
Page 135 text:
ESSAY ON A COW
A cow is an animal with four legs on
the under side, and is born when very
young Cso is her calfj. A cow is useful
in two ways. It gives milk. The milk is
good to drink. Also white. So is the left
hind foot, except on brown cows, and theirs
are black. A cow has ears that wiggle on
hinges. So does her tail. A cow is bigger
than a calf, but not so big as an elephant.
Cows are made small so they can get into
the barn when no one is looking. Some
cows are black and others hook. Cows
have horns but they canlt blow them.
To freeze cows, milk you use ordinary cold
ice. Cows' milk straight is too strong,
therefore they always dilute it at the well.
All cows give milk and butter, but no
eggs. A cow has a tail also which hangs by
one end, and swings to and fro-mostly
fro. A dead cow will not hurt you. Neither
will a live one after it is dead. That is
all there is about a cow.
Sfern. Father fto L. A. Boli departing for
boarding schoolj: "Now, don't let me
hear any bad reports about you!"
L. A.: "I'1I try hard, Dad. But you know
how those things leak out."
At the Baseball Game
Delia: "What's the man running for?
Harry: "He hit the ball.
Delia: "I know, but is he required to chase
Pa: "At last I found a way to make that
. young scamp of yours stop winking his
Pa: "Yes, 1,11 show him the article in this
science magazine where it says that every
time we wink we give the eye a bath.
Paw, what is the difference between capi-
tal and labor?
Paw: Well, the money you lend represents
capital, and getting it back represents
labor, my son.
Pa, what's a post graduate?
Paw: A fellow who graduates from one of
the correspondence schools, I suppose.
He grasped her roughly by the wrist
and drew her forward. She was deathly
pale. Her free arm dangled helplessly at her
side. Her very purity was transparent, but
she was stiff, unyielding. He drew her gently
to himself, his hand sought her fluttering
She broke. She yielded.
That white breast was finally resting upon
Their arms were entwined.
"Thank God!" he said, "that I sent you to
the laundry yesterday-else I'd be wearing
a dirty shirt now."
l'Willie," said his mother, "I wish you
would run across the street and see how
old Mrs. Brown is this morning."
"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few min-
utes later he returned and reported:
"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your busi-
ness how old she is."
A maiden lady of uncertain age became
very indignant when the census taker asked
how old she was. Did you see the girls next
door, she asked, the Hill Twins.
"Certainly," replied the man.
"And did they tell you their age?"
"Well," she snapped, "I am just as old as
"Oh, very well," said the census man.
And he wrote in his book, "Sarah Stokes, as
old as the Hills."
Page 137 text:
A BROADCASTING RECIPE
This is the story of a young bride who
asked her husband to copy off a radio recipe'
she wanted. He did his best but got two
stations at once, one of which was broad-
casting the morning exercises and the other
This is what he took down:
Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on
the shoulders, raise knees and depress toes
and mix thoroughly in one-half cup milk.
Repeat six times. Inhale quickly one-half
teaspoon of baking powder, lower the legs
and mash two hard-boiled eggs in a sieve.
Exhale, breathe naturally, and sift in a bowl.
Attention! Lie flat on floor and roll the
white of an egg backward and forward until
it comes to a boil. In ten minutes remove
from fire, and rub smartly with a rough
towel. Breathe naturally, dress in warm
flannels and serve with soup.
AS THEY WOULD SAY IT NOW
Samson: "I'm strong for you, kid."
Ionala: "You can't keep a good man
David: "The bigger they are, the harder
Helen of Troy: "So this is Parisf'
Columbus: "I don't know where I'm
going, but I'm on my way."
Nero: "Keep the home fires burning."
Solomon: "I love the ladies."
Noah: "It floatsf'
Mefhuselab: "The first five hundred
years are the hardest."
Queen Elizabeth to Sir Walter Raleigh:
"Keep your shirt onf'
NO DISCREPANCY THERE
Teacher Qsternlyj: "This essay on 'Our
Dog' is word for word the same as your
Small Boy: "Yes ma'amg it's the same
REPORTER'S FIRST EFFORT
A man killed a dog belonging to another
man. The son of the man whose dog was
killed proceeded to whip the man who killed
the dog of the man he was the son of. The
man who was the son of the man whose dog
was killed was arrested on complaint of the
man who was assaulted by the son of the
man whose dog the man who was assaulted
for flog,', says
"Lighthouse no good
Chinaman. "Lighthouse he shine whistle
he blow, flog bell he ling, and flog he come
just the same. No gloodf'
The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
Along the quiet lanes the cattle come.
The plowman puts his implements away
Then jumps into his car and motors home.
With violet cuddling in his arms,
He drove his Ford-poor silly.
W'here once he held his Violet,
There now is clasped a lily.
Teacher: "Can't you name even one
product exported by Cuba? Where do you
get your sugar?',
Tommy: "From the neighbors mostly."
The question of the correct plural of the
word, "mongoose" was solved by a gentle-
man who wanted a pair of these interesting
and affectionate creatures.
He wrote to a dealer: "Sir, please send me
He did not like the looks of this, tore up
the paper, and began again: "Sir, please send
me two mongoosesf,
This version did not satisfy him any
better than the first so he wrote: "Sir, please
send me a mongose, and, by the way, send
, A ,
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