University of Michigan - Michiganensian Yearbook (Ann Arbor, MI)

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III! ' (in i V ' Hill christ Hill 111 inin t. I was sixteen at the time and a high school senior. It was December 15 1990 and I was hanging out with my friends Michelle, Eric, and Matt. We were driving around and not doing much when Matt came up with the idea of getting some Jock Daniels and Coke to drink. He knew a waitress who couk B for us so we could have a private party. When we got it we went to Eric ' s . I hadn ' t really drunk before, and a | these huge tumblers. All of us dranl house bee ght mu much, then he asked me if ItoUev docM iatI P r wanted to dance. I said ' sure. ' I didn ' t realize how drunk I was but when w ouldalrav started dancing, I fell. Matt helped me up. I had never been drunk before ir my life. Some things still aren ' t too clear. When he helped me up he pushed me towards the front door and we wen outside. He had me play a game where I leaned over to see how far I coul go without falling. The first time I almost fell and he caught me -that shoulc inwtt. licit have been a clue for me that he wasn ' t that drunk. He did it again and again nntcJt The third time he caught me and didn ' t let me go. He kissed me, and I kissei him back. He put my hands on his crotch, and I said ' stop. ' He pushed me back towards the door and made me go inside. The nex thing I can remember I was on the bed with my panty hose and panties aroun my ankles. Matt was on top of me. 1 kept hearing this banging noise and realized that it was my head banging against the headboard. I remember being very painful and I just lied there because I was mostly in shock. Whe he finished he got up and asked me if I wanted to do it again. That was th only question he asked me that night. I said ' no ' and tried to get up to get awa from him, but he pushed me back down and raped me again. He got up the second time and put on his pants and said, ' If you ever war latmyfatl it again, here ' s my number. Just call. ' I puked all over the bed and myself rigr ne to time after he said that. I got up and went to the bathroom and stayed in there wit : the door locked for at least two hours, throwing up and crying. Everyone w; mocenceiv, telling me to come out so I could lie down on the bed. I opened the door an tlationships they tried to help.. me off the floor. I didn ' t want anyone touching m ; : especially him sojjook them off and crawled bedroom. I felt so muc ionlyuanti After he i too long- hoolgoup Btethan ' I ' ve seen I ' m all umphann ' Back the violent so txploitath 1 had aii ' everyday, BOB to! tensities. ' I never lu ' for it to Eric and Michelle took me home. When 1 got there my mom was up an it was past tour o ' clock in the morn ing. She didn ' t ask any questions becau; : .. it was obvious that I was drunk. She just told me that J was grounded for tl next month and that I couldn ' t go anywhere; no malls, no Christmas partie nothing. The last thing I needed was to be at home constantly thinking aboi what had happened. I felt like a whore. I hated myself for a long time, and I was despondei ivetc enr about life. I constantly thought about it, how disgusting it was and I just thr up for the next two weeks. I knew that was a reaction to the disgust I felt abo the whole thing. I really hated myself for the next two years. My period didn ' t come and somehow he found out. He said he would pi for half of the abortion. He thought that I should be responsible for some m d it. Again, I was shocked that he would suggest something like that. I : peopl it . 192 Voices

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:r; iemB ; look at social worth as social x nsciousness. What ' s most im- portant is the socially conscious ndividual, the woman; a fetus does not have a social consciousness, don ' t put the rights of the s over that socially conscious dividual. My organization, RWL, and united front we work within, WROC, went to the march on ashington this summer that was pposed to commemorate the Oth anniversary of the original ivil rights march. We were there :o agitate for the rebuilding of a ilitant, integrated civil rights ovement that could go beyond e march on one day of the year, e Black Democrats and the AACP called off the march and id a rally because they wanted to bore people. They didn ' t want to have march because they didn ' t want to get people in a fighting spirit, so half of he sit-in was gospel singing. The speakers kept saying how bad things were, ;nd Ben Chavis (President of the NAACP) said, It ' s okay for Clinton not :o be here, it ' s okay for him to take a vacation, we just pray you hear us. The Bottom line is that the capitalists need black leaders to support their decisions to pacify the black working class and poor, so dv positions. After the revolution, evervi me in KW L want - u n he capitalist state and establish Worker ' s democ lisarmed and disbapled an Lid sejJ P rkj [uards. We wa mpiationalize health care uflGer vJ int programs for socialization of cooking, cleaning, and child care. We ive to develop programs; as the system is now, we use women as cheap labor the work force and free labor in the home. We expect to accomplish this ugh revolution. We want improvement in education and standard of living conditions, e plan to do all this by expropriating banks and industrial capitol, putting hem under the control of a workers democracy in order to distribute that ioney toward massive development, raising the standard of living and education around the world. If we had a revolution here first, our main goal would be to aid the revolutionary struggles in other countries. We are revolutionary interna- tionalists, Trotskyists. We fight racism, sexism, and anti-gay lesbian bigotry. We in the RWL seek to link the struggles of the oppressed and the struggle for working class emancipationinto one Pjfl|||j ' movement that can be led to victory by a tempered revolutionary Trotsky ist party. Story By Myrna Jackson Photographs By Kelly Hartigan Voices 191

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Ubfe ctfflJwe ! fir I COB ladn ' t had my period, so I took a pregnancy test. It came out negative. I told everyone that I wasn ' t pregnant and in the meantime went to see doctor about why I was missing my periods. He told me that it couldn ' t be - ' tfd hat I was pregnant, and that it was just stress. He didn ' t even bother to give ' ii ' EticMne a pregnancy test. I finally got my period months later and it came out lotting. It really hurt. I went to the doctor again and he said that I had probably been pregnant. I still don ' t have a regular period; I don ' t think I ' m ble to have children. After he raped me I felt somehow that I needed his acceptance of me. I tatwheni vould always watch to see if he was around, or where he was. I didn ' t do that or too long. About the only empowering thing I did do was have people at ichool go up to him and ask him how his sex life was. There were probably iore than 250 people that did that. I ' ve seen him since, at a party. He approached me and I completely blew . I felt really good, like I had some control for that five minutes of what wanted to do, like I had some power. I ' m a little cold-hearted now but I think it ' s self-protection. I feel iumphant when I feel anger instead of fear. Back then I didn ' t see what he did to me as an act of violence, but just violent sex. On my part it was an act of contrition and on his it was an act exploitation and triumph. But he made it so that I didn ' t have any choice. I had said ' no ' and it didn ' t work so I didn ' t say ' no ' anymore. I used to :ry everyday. I don ' t get worked up over it anymore. I felt every emotion -, Tkmstf here was to feel: anger, fear, powerlessness on the lowest levels, and to great ntensities. ' + y I had habits that I didn ' t have before. I smoke, I used to get high, I lash ,-uevern ut at my father- mainly because he ' s a man. I lashed out at my friends from ime to time for no reason at all. Love I felt for other people didn ' t have the magic it should have. My nnocence was stolen. I was numb and cold for a long time. I missed out on relationships ' because I just couldn ' t do it. I was distrustful of all men. I uldn ' t give the effort of tryi kget to know someone only wanted me for one thing. Now I ' m angry becau Now I reali:e tra Wavc everv righjBR B t but I ong pers seWI have B ' ngl BMet as cBBl as .e person who I ' m with. I ha Bery r lfto kissBVone lothing more. I never had opinions about rape before, I just knew it was wrong. Now StOYy By NiyTYlCi JctCKSOTl think it is the absolute worse feeling in the world. Society views it as ' too ikay ' for it to happen. There are three of us sitting at this table. Two of us lave been raped, and one came pretty close. That statistic of one out of every hree women gets raped is stupid. I see people everyday on the street and 1 wonder if they know about rape t all. I wonder if they ' ve been there, and if they know the pain. It was just in January that the survivor part of me overcame the victim. s not my all-consuming thought anymore. I ' ve pulled myself out of a hole. Actuol names in this testimonial have been changed. ion Voices 193